PORNOGRAPHY IS NOW MORE WIDESPREAD AND ACCESSIBLE THAN EVER BEFORE. HOW DOES IT AFFECT OUR SEX LIFE?
Pornography not only encodes us for certain sexual preferences, but also is responsible for the emergence of various false myths, for example, concerning the length of the penis or the duration of the act. No one takes into account that these are actors, not real life. That they are shot at a favorable angle, that what we see on the screen is a montage. And, most importantly, shooting a 20-minute video lasts six to eight hours!
— Women who come to my office complain about their partners who have seen enough porn and now want to beat them for hours, like men in movies. And women do not need it at all, for them it is asexual.
If pornography showed the kind of sex that we have in life, then viewing it and masturbating in a person would also encode these impressions. And then we would reproduce in life real patterns of sex, based on intimacy, tenderness, the formation of a sense of security. On naturalness. However, I think that we still have a revolution waiting for us.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?
Now the production of ethical pornography has begun.
It does not contain the techniques described above, hectoliters of kefir that mimic sperm. There are no pads on the penis made of a special material identical to the skin, only two or three times larger than the real one. There are no moans and squeaks that are recorded separately in the Studio by part-time pensioners. But there is an emphasis on promoting safety, the actors will not hide the use of condoms and lubricant. And they will pay normal money for it.
THERE IS ALSO FEMINIST PORN THAT DOESN’T OBJECTIFY WOMEN.
“Porn objectifies women, turns men into sex robots, and turns the image of sex upside down. A man who includes a movie on the XXX site enters into the role of Director, completely different from the one he plays in his own life. He has complete control over what will happen. He chooses which women he wants to look at, for how long, in which poses, using which techniques and fetishes. And in life, he is doomed to what he is. On a relationship with a partner who is only half affected by it.
— He doesn’t control the other half because it belongs to the partner. This is similar to a marathon runner who runs on steroids or drives a car in training (i.e., watching porn), but relies only on his own strength in competitions (i.e., in real sex). In addition (and this is completely different from real sex), the person who watches porn constantly gets new stimuli that support desire. He can choose what he wants now: oral sex, anal, Fisting, costumes, changing poses, Threesome, BDSM, double penetration, rimming.
IN REAL SEX, YOU DON’T SUDDENLY HAVE ANYTHING TO ORDER.
— Exactly. Pornography is always available, twenty-four hours a day, there are no failures, children, work for tomorrow, monthly, conflict with my mother. Pornography doesn’t do anything wrong-it doesn’t squeeze the penis too hard, it doesn’t have a vagina that’s too free. She won’t judge you when you come too fast. All this, of course, is liked by men, which is why porn becomes a matrix that they impose on reality. They demand the same in real sex, but it’s impossible. And that is why the huge crowd of men, which increases every year, does not lead a sexual life in a relationship or does it irregularly, avoiding intimacy.
“BECAUSE OF PORN?”
— There are many fans of pornography, sex portals, chat rooms, sexting and sex for money in this group.
We can safely say that in our time, pornography wins over sex.
NO WONDER ELON MUSK BELIEVES THAT WE LIVE IN VIRTUAL REALITY.
- Pornography affects young people negatively. Unfortunately, the Internet is now their main source of information about sexuality. Therefore, in sexology, there is an iron rule: porn can only be viewed by those who already have sexual experience behind them. If not, there is a high probability that something is encoded abnormally, the impression will be too bright. The image of such a person’s sexuality will be an image reflected in a crooked mirror. Because of this, he can make it bad for himself and his partner.
QUICK SEX WITH NEW PEOPLE WE MEET OVER THE INTERNET CAN DISTORT THIS IMAGE?
- Again: the answer to the question depends on many factors. I had a case in my practice: a patient over 30, a successful business. After work (in fact, every night), he meets for sex with women from Tinder — each time with new ones. He has already been treated twice for syphilis and warts because his condom broke. He has so many sexual encounters a month that he calls his life the land of bursting condoms.
— He makes the simplest mistakes in sex.
First, she does not use a lubricant, so during the first penetration, there is a strong friction, since she did not have time to get excited, the lubricant did not stand out, and the condom burst.
Second (or maybe just first), he does not use foreplay, kisses, caresses, and immediately proceeds to penetration. He explains this by saying that he wants a quick orgasm and will not waste time on nonsense.
TRANSLATED INTO POLISH: WOMEN’S NEEDS ARE IN ONE PLACE.
— But I also worked with a singer who came out of a toxic relationship and then for a year met for non-binding sex with people from the Internet. During this year, she had more than ten men and two women. Now she is happy, married, and has children. I know this from her (she emails me once a year on occasion) and from the media. Quick sex didn’t put her on the wrong track.
MY FRIEND KEEPS SAYING THAT HE IS LOOKING FOR LOVE FOR LIFE. BUT IT SEEMS THAT THE SEARCH TURNS HIM ON MORE THAN LOVE. HE ARRANGES DATES ONLINE, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER THEM.
- Bull’s-eye. Paula Hall said that when you are addicted to sex, the important thing is to chase the rabbit, not to catch it. It is probably difficult to admit this, but it is important for him to negotiate, and not to look for a specific person.
IF THERE IS NO IDEAL IN LIFE, HOW CAN WE UNDERSTAND THAT OUR EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE DESIRED PARTNER OR PARTNER ARE EXAGGERATED?
— Even when we like a potential partner by 80 %, we turn our nose up if we don’t like her by 5 %. And this relationship should be given a chance and only then decide whether we have a future with this person.
AN EXCESS OF EXPECTATIONS CAN ALSO AFFECT SEX. I WILL ARRANGE A DATE, BUT ONLY WITH A WOMAN WHO WILL ALLOW HERSELF TO BE TIED UP AND WILL SAY DIRTY WORDS IN GERMAN IN THE PROCESS. Okay, I FOUND ONE, AND then nothing for a LONG, LONG TIME… FRUSTRATION BUILDS.
— Exactly. How could a woman like that know that you like German swear words during sex? By the expression on your face? It could mean anything, right? Therefore, it is important to talk, after all, we are people, the basis of our communication is the articulation of desires and expectations.
TO ARRANGE SEX ON THE INTERNET, YOU USUALLY NEED TO HAVE A PHOTO DOCUMENTATION OF INDIVIDUAL BODY PARTS. NO ONE THINKS THAT THEN THESE PICTURES CAN BE USED FOR COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PURPOSES, FOR EXAMPLE, FOR BLACKMAIL. IT’S THE SAME WITH VIRTUAL SEX — PORN SITES ARE FULL OF AMATEUR VIDEOS RECORDED ON WEBCAMS. THEIR CHARACTERS PROBABLY DON’T USUALLY KNOW THAT THEY ARE DOING A SHOW THAT SOMEONE IS RECORDING TO POST LATER.
— Unfortunately, it often happens that images sent to someone privately, then wander around the network without taking into account the opinion of the person who is depicted on them. Even in apps where you can’t save a snapshot, people take a screenshot-a snapshot of the smartphone screen, and here’s the photo on their disk, they can show it to a friend or post it to the network. Some clients say they posted photos of their exes online because it turned them on.
DID IT EXCITE THEM?
— They did it to get revenge or humiliate. I remind you that such behavior is punishable by law, and seriously. Sometimes hackers break into a computer and upload intimate photos to the public. The victims of this situation, with whom I worked in this office, were several stars, two politicians, three priests and a police officer. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.
DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF MEN IN THERAPY WHO ARE LOOKING FOR SEX ON THE INTERNET?
— If we talk about the statistics of my consultation, about 80% of men and about 65% of women agree on dates or sex via the Internet.
THEN 15 % OF MEN DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH WOMEN — DID I GUESS?
— Yes, there are men who are looking for men. I have a lot of married clients who like free sex with other men.
HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE FOUND LOVE ONLINE?
— About 25 % of men and 10 % of women.
AND THESE “ADDITIONAL” 15 % OF MEN ARE PROBABLY MEN WHO FALL IN LOVE WITH OTHER MEN?
— Yes. These are either homosexuals, bisexuals, or married men who are ready to divorce after 10 or more years and marry a man outside of Poland.
I TAKE IT THE OTHERS ARE LOOKING FOR LOVE IN REAL LIFE?”
— Most often at work: a colleague from a neighboring Department, a boss, or a subordinate. Recently, my client, a TV presenter, searched and searched and couldn’t find it. Then she suddenly started Dating a cameraman. And they are really doing well, I’m happy for this couple. Love can be found right under your nose.