— WHAT IS MOST ASHAMED OF MEN?
— First of all, that may be a weak sex machine that does not meet the standards.
— THERE ARE RULES?
— A lot of men think that. They are convinced that male sexuality is like a perpetual motion machine. Yes, it is true that at the age of 16-18 years 80 % of men differ in sexual automatism, but after 25 years it passes.
— SEXUAL AUTOMATISM — THAT IS AN ERECTION ON DEMAND?
— Or no requirement: the penis is always ready. Men get used to it, and it is difficult for them to understand that with age sexuality becomes more and more demanding. Regardless of age, they perceive themselves as a sex ATM, working twenty-four to seven. I insert the card, press the button, get an erection. But it doesn’t.
— In some circumstances, a person works, in others — not.
— For EXAMPLE?
— After awakening, men have a morning erection, so it is likely that morning sex will succeed. But if a tired man drove half the night to his mistress from a business trip, you can forget about morning sex.
When I explain the situation to men, they are angry with me. After all, they believed in it for 30-40 years! As a rule, they do not come to understand their sexuality, but to raise it. They tell me, “I want to be like the others.”
— WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
— When asked how, in their opinion, in others, they answer that it is enough to pull pants up and — TA-ladies! Erection. Partner approaching — boner. Partner wearing erotic underwear — boner.
— AS IN PORN.
— Because that’s what he saw in porn! And this is based on his false belief that all men really well. It seems to him that one or two failures are a stain on his reputation, which he will never get rid of.
— MINESWEEPER IS WRONG ONLY ONCE.
— But nobody’s a minesweeper in sex. Such customers are very surprised when I tell them that everything is in order. It seemed to him that only he had problems with an erection, only he had premature ejaculation, only he had a low libido.
— WOMEN TOO, RIGHT?
Same thing! Only they have problems with natural lubrication, vaginal dryness. It’s widespread. Regardless of gender. These things happen because we rarely talk about problems in sex. Especially sincerely.
— NOW THE MEDIA OFTEN SHOW US THAT IT’S FUN, EASY, NICE.
— Sex problems are a normal part of life. Like yawning, toothache, constipation, runny nose, gray hair. Teeth deteriorate over time — the same thing happens to the rest of our body, including the genitals.
Occasionally talk about erectile dysfunction and other problems in sex, and even less — about sexually transmitted diseases. Hence the carefree attitude to sexual intercourse: what is not said, if we do not concern.
YOU SAID THAT SEXUAL AUTOMATISM FEATURES 80 % OF MEN. WHY NOT 100 %?
— Automatism can be delayed. This often happens with domestic violence, alcoholism in the family, the death of a close relative, depression, awareness of non-heterosexuality of their orientation, the use of stimulants and so on. Sometimes it’s enough that someone is offended by peers.
— THAT IS, THIS AUTOMATISM WORKS ONLY UNDER IDEAL CONDITIONS.
— Perfect or close to perfect. I have a large group of clients aged 16-25 who come in a decadent mood, believing that most of their peers regularly have sex. More than that! They firmly believe that the rest receive multi-orgasms, that is, multiple orgasms in one night. However, in high school it is often boasters, most of these stories do not have an ounce of truth.
— OLDER, TOO, OFTEN BOAST STORIES OF WHAT THEY HAVE MANAGED IN RECENT TIMES TO BE NOTED. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DRINK.
— Recently or sometime. You should listen carefully to such stories, because it often turns out that this story is from the distant past, and now there is nothing to boast about.
— THE LACK OF SEX IS A CAUSE OF SHAME YOUNG MEN. ONE OF THE MANY.
— Yeah, and then they’re scared the first time. Indeed, it happens that it comes out unsuccessful. Premature ejaculation, erection problem or pain in the partner. This may be delayed for a long time as an injury. Therefore, many, before you sleep with the girl of your dreams, looking for women to “test” their skills.
— SOUNDS LIKE A FRAGMENT FROM “THE HANDMAID’S TALE” .
— But it’s very common. Recommend the film “Short skin.” The hero falls in love with a beautiful girl, but decides that before he has sex with her, he must practice on a prostitute. Whenever I hear stories like that, I shrink. I don’t know if this gorgeous girl would be thrilled if she knew the guy was “testing” his skills on another woman. She’d rather be disgusted.
— WHETHER THIS APPROACH IS THE BELIEF THAT MAN IS THE MASTER AND RULER OF THE UNIVERSE?
— This comes from the cultural requirement that a man should play the role of “teacher of love”. That he should have more experience than his partner, that he should deprive her of her virginity so that she would have her first orgasms with him, so that he would devote her to the secrets of sex.
— THIS CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OF SEX.
— Yes, many men covers unlimited pride in the fact that they have experience with a prostitute or classmate, the classmate, which they perceive as an experienced landfill, which is not usually his type.
— IN THE COMPANY OF MEN LIKE TO TALK ABOUT SUCH EXPERIENCES.
— Let’s turn the situation around. How will our reader feel if the partner tells him that she wanted to be his “teacher of love”, so she went to a brothel several times, gained experience in men with great mileage? Or if she says that she had more than ten relationships with men who mean nothing to her, to prepare well for our reader?
LET ME GUESS: SPECIAL ENTHUSIASM HAVE NOT CAUSED.
— Yeah? It’s amazing that men expect such enthusiasm from women.
— A PROBLEM AS OLD AS THE WORLD — DOUBLE STANDARDS.
— Since we’re talking about them… In sexology there is a concept of “complex Madonna and Harlot.” Madonna and I want to be together, and the Harlot is sexually available. The experience gained with the Harlot, helps us to show off in front of Madonna. In women, this phenomenon is called a complex Knight and Libertine.
Several of my clients have contracted sexually transmitted diseases for this reason.
— GOODBYE, MADONNA.
— In this context, it is interesting to consider the phenomenon of sexually accessible girls.
— HOW AVAILABLE? ORAL?
— IS YOUR CLIENT?
— Sometimes, but usually young clients tell me that they “train” on such women. The cult of virginity has its dark side. The paradox is that it is stereotypically limited only to vaginal sex, and girls want to meet this norm, which is instilled in them at home, but they passionately desire sexual experience. Especially if they believe the tales that their girlfriends are no longer a virgin. Anal sex in this case is the solution to the problem between the family norm and the social norm. And if young people have at least some idea that it is necessary to be protected at vaginal penetration, then at anal sex they usually do not do it.
PREGNANT WILL NOT SUCCEED.
— You can also get pregnant, but the main thing is that it is so easy to infect someone or get infected yourself.
YOUNG PEOPLE FEEL SHY TO TALK…
— …and choose the worst possible solution.
IS A CONSEQUENCE OF THE LACK OF SEX EDUCATION NOT ONLY IN SCHOOL BUT ALSO AT HOME.
— Sexual education of young people in Poland most often occurs among peers or on the Internet. Recently, most often on the Internet.
PORNOGRAPHY OFTEN REFLECTS THE FANTASY THAN REAL SEX.
— To a greater extent. And, incidentally, their fantasies they, too, are ashamed.
— ASHAMED TO SELL THEM?
— Yes, for example, they are afraid that if a man offers partner anal sex, she will suspect that he is a latent gay. Especially if he offers anal stimulation directed in his direction.
While the erogenous zones in the male body do not depend on orientation.
WHAT ELSE SHY MEN?
— They are ashamed when a woman wants to dominate sex. A lot of men say to themselves, “Man, she wants to dominate, what does that say about me? I took the initiative too late. She probably decided I wasn’t man enough.”
THEY TAKE EVERYTHING TO HEART.
— In psychotherapy it is customary to say that they personalize it. I guess I’m weird because my partner wants our sex to look “different.”
— BUT THERE ARE MEN WHO FANTASIZE ABOUT DOMINATING WOMEN.
— There are a lot of them, and it’s normal, although they often think that it makes them unmanly. That they’re adopting a female model in a relationship.
— MEN TELL PARTNERS THAT GO TO THE SEXOLOGIST?
— About 70 % don’t speak. Those who speak about it, usually don’t admit that go to the sexologist — are limited to the psychotherapist. At least at first, until they feel safe in therapy. One of my clients comes to me about two years, during which time he had three partners, each he directly said: “Dear, the time of sexual automatism I have behind. We can’t have sex without foreplay!»
— NICE AWARENESS.
He worked it out. Now he is able to defuse women from different myths like minesweeper and it makes his sex life much easier and gives freedom to ars amandi.  But, I admit, it is, unfortunately, an exception.
— CONCLUSION: IT IS IMPORTANT TO OVERCOME YOUR SHAME.
— Definitely important!
— HOW MUCH YOU CAN LEARN IN YOUR OFFICE!
— Clients take as much as they are ready at this moment of life to carry away. Everyone will take something of their own. Some — the train of thought, others — technology, others — psychotherapeutic tools, someone else — self-confidence. There are also exceptional situations.
One of my clients complained that his partner quickly break up with him. The first sex with a woman, the second — and goodbye. He didn’t have any erection or ejaculation problems, he’s fine. He couldn’t understand what was wrong. Found women of different types, different ages, and each sooner or later disappeared. We began to analyze his rapprochement with these women — minute by minute. First standard: kisses, hugs, caresses, oral sex, finally, penetration. I ask, “What are you doing? Hold the woman’s buttocks, thighs?”. — “Well, I try to keep it so that it does not restrict my movements.” “What does that mean?»
It turned out that he touched her cock and moved up and down, up and down. Like a squat. No penetration.
— RUBBED ON THE WOMAN.
— Rather spent by the member in the pubic area, knees, stomach. I told him that usually people have sex back and forth, that it is preferable to make frictions, reciprocating movements, and his method is too complicated for the penis to get into the vagina. He was surprised, because — I know it sounds unlikely — no woman had told him that he was doing something wrong.
— WHERE DID HE COME FROM THAT SHOW?
— When we went into the problem, it turned out that he does not really watch porn, and when talking with friends, everyone talks about the number and duration of sex, not about technology. Everyone seems to think it’s obvious. It wasn’t obvious to him.
AND HE DEVELOPED HIS OWN TECHNIQUE.
He masturbated when he rubbed against the mattress on his stomach. He thought sex looked like that.
— IN YOUR OFFICE, HE LEARNED THAT IT’S SOMETHING ELSE.
— Because sex is something to learn.
— WHAT ARE MEN WHO HAVE ALREADY PASSED THE INITIATION?
— The type and size of the penis. The belief that their dick is less (usually strongly) overstated is common to almost all my clients.
— THEN LET’S GET TO THE RULES.
To be continued…