WHY DO WE NEED FOREPLAY?
— From the moment of flirting, the vagina needs from ten to twenty minutes with a penny to expand, moisturize and ” hug ” the penis. Earlier attempts at penetration can end in pain for the partner when we try to stick a few centimeter penis into her unexcited, several centimeter vagina. A man receives a signal that makes a woman hurt, reacts to the lack of an erection, refuses to have sex. But enough that he was in a relationship flirting, fascinated woman, surprised. More importantly, he didn’t reduce sexuality to penetration. It’s not like, ” I’ve succeeded, now I’m resting on my laurels.”
Success in relationships should be constantly taken care of. As a private firm or the garden.
OR FINGERNAILS.
— By the way, about the nails. When it comes to people in relationships, erectile dysfunction often occurs in parallel with the physical changes of the partner or partner. Let’s not kid ourselves. If we meet someone when we’re young, we’re usually more attractive than 10 years later. And it’s not so much age as a certain neglect, inattention to yourself: once I’m with someone, I do not need to care about the appearance. This, of course, is a mistake, because such a position is the ideal ground for the disappearance of desire.
Some time ago, a couple showed up in my office. When the man met his partner, she was tall, thin, she had long legs. He remembered it because he had developed visual perception at all. A number of years have passed. She brought him here, says she doesn’t understand why her husband won’t have sex with her.
I THINK I CAN GUESS WHY.
— She admits that she has changed a little: after two pregnancies, she has gained 20 kilos, but says that true love should be unconditional.
But, unfortunately, love — not martyrdom, not sacrifice, she not unconditional and rarely the case patient. It’s a myth. Her partner cannot have sex with her because when he closes his eyes and tries to focus on other stimuli, he needs three times as many of these stimuli as when he used only his sight to arouse. And it doesn’t work because he’s so tired of this fantasy focus that he doesn’t want sex.
— THEN WHAT?
— The drama of couples of this type is based on the fact that the women in them sadly generalize: “He never loved me. He always pretended to want me.” And the man does not know what to do in this situation. He feels like a beaten dog. He doesn’t want to say what it is, so she attacks him with various guesses. When we talk about this issue in joint sessions, I often hear from women that it is chauvinism. I’m a Pro-feminist, I support these women, but there’s a line that can’t be crossed. And that boundary is what excites. Arousal is not a matter of will: I press a button and everything works. It’s more biology.
About as feminists think, however, and Catholic psychologists and psychotherapists: “It is you who do wrong with the wife, punish the wife so that she recovers.” I wouldn’t agree with that.
— HE’S NOT PUNISHING, HE’S JUST TRYING TO FILE A COMPLAINT.
— At first most women explode with righteous anger: I will not change, he must want me because he has sworn to love me. But then they start to analyze more deeply and come to the conclusion that something is really wrong. With a man, we simultaneously begin to work on transcoding, because in addition to vision, there are other senses: smell, taste, hearing, touch. But it can last several months. It is not known how long the partner will wait and whether the partner will reach the end of therapy. But this is the only chance if the couple wants in such a situation to maintain a sexually satisfying relationship.
Of course, women also cease to feel desire for their men in connection with their appearance. This is a very democratic mechanism.
— WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A LOSS OF DESIRE, BUT I SUPPOSE MEN OFTEN HAVE THE SAME CAUSES AS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?
— Yes, when it comes to loss of desire, in most cases they are similar to the causes of erection problems. To me came a couple, like from the movie: pumped-up gangster and his girlfriend is a hairdresser. It’s all artificial: pumped Breasts, bleached teeth, Botox and so on. She said it was all for him, even lightened the anus. And for some reason he didn’t want to have sex with her. She even thought about artificially making herself a hymen to somehow excite him. He was taking some left-handed erection pills, but they weren’t working. At the same time, he claimed that he loved her.
— WHAT HAPPENED?
— During psychotherapy it became clear that he chose to himself the partner one in one in mother. The body language, the look, and even the voice are all one hundred percent alike. And since his relationship with his mother was not very good, he projected it on his partner. This is a well-known mechanism in psychoanalysis transfer, which is based on the fact that, for example, in a partner, we see and feel what we felt, say, to the father: sadness, resentment, anger. And if our gangster had a terrible relationship with his mother, who is very similar to his partner, there is no chance that they had good sex.
— DID HE NEED TO DISENCHANT HIS PARTNER?
— He had a lot of work to do. His partner, however, too, because it turned out that she is by nature very domineering: “You can give someone in the face, but you can not tear off a woman properly? Maybe it’s time for you to date men. Probably not one of your friends will gladly fuck you in the bare ass.” Sometimes our sessions were quite hot. Once she had told him he didn’t want her. He said, ” I really love you, it’s because of your mother. You know how toxic it is.” A minute later, crying, he adds: “father, I had a crappy relationship!»
Freud would have given him five. But, interestingly, when he cried it out, poured it out of himself, saw what mechanisms inhibit him, their relationship suddenly came to life. They started having sex.
— SO YOU NEED TO PASS A CERTAIN TURNING POINT?
- The moment when the separation of the mother from the partner, the father from the partner.
Another client of mine dated for many years exclusively for one night. With one woman he was so good — not only in bed, but also in communication – that they decided to build a relationship. At that moment he began to move away from her. In terms of mutual understanding, everything was still fine, but he avoided sex. During therapy, it turned out that the close relationship for him is associated with anxiety, fear, because it resembles a toxic relationship with his mother, who, after divorcing his father, demanded that he take his place in the house, be responsible, take care of younger children, listen to his mother. A complete reversal of role. It’s called “upside-down” parenting.
“THAT’S RIGHT, BECAUSE SHE SAW HIM AS HER PARENT, AND HE WAS HER CHILD.
— And he could not get out of this situation: as a child, he could not leave his mother. If only because he was financially and emotionally dependent on her. But now he could end a relationship at any time, but he was programmed that a close relationship was a hopeless trap. His subconscious had chosen to escape the trap of not having sex. This is called “internal emigration”.
— NON-TOXIC AND PARENTS CAN BECOME THE CAUSE OF OUR PROBLEMS WITH SEX?
- Q: what are non-toxic parents?
My client had a very loving and hard-working mother who basically did everything for him. He was very comfortable with her. He could concentrate on his studies, his friends, his girls, while she cleaned, washed, cooked. Now that he’s an adult, he chooses women who physically resemble his mother for relationships. But it is not said that physical resemblance will bring about similarity of character. And here there is a problem, because he has claims to the partner in relation to what he imagined.
And those who associate themselves with the father, who did everything while the mother was not quite present (due to illness, addiction, and so on), now choose capricious ladies for the relationship: “You wanted a mistress-work for her.” They need to devote themselves to her like a father.
— I KNOW COUPLES IN WHICH MEN, AS FATHERS, DEAL WITH THEIR SLIGHTLY OFF-KILTER PARTNERS OR PARTNERS.
“Yes, it’s a subtype of the men we were talking about. Partner somewhere in the center of the with girlfriends. He calls her again: “where Are you? What are you doing?”. Eventually she says she orders a taxi and goes home. He: “don’t order any taxi, I’ll come.” But sexologists have paid attention: if you feel that a person really needs your care, you turn off the desire.
“YOU NEED — YOU DON’T WANT.”
— You become a parent, not a partner.” Of course, this does not apply to the situation when, under the influence of transference, you think that this someone can not cope without you.
— MY FRIENDS SEEMED LIKE THE PERFECT COUPLE. HE’S ALWAYS THERE FOR HER, EVEN, LIKE YOU SAID, COMING TO PICK HER UP AFTER PARTIES. AND SUDDENLY THEY PARTED. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY.
There could be no desire between them. As my teacher, Professor Lev-Starovich, often says, relationships like “lovebirds” very quickly extinguish desire. Or at least the man didn’t feel like it, because he was playing the role of a father. He toned his libido so that nothing would stop him from looking for potential threats in his surroundings.
— AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE IDEAL SITUATION IS WHEN WE EACH OTHER IN A RELATIONSHIP AND NEED, AND FEEL THE DESIRE.
— But we need each other in partnership. I need you to do something for me, in return you can always count on me. But if in 10, 20, sometimes 30 % of cases, the partner does not get what he wants from you, he too will somehow survive it. I want you to listen to me because I have a problem, and you just made a deal with a friend? No problem, I’ll call a friend!
CALL A FRIEND. A HEALTHY APPROACH TO NOT HANGING ON SOMEONE’S SHOULDER.
— Exactly. My client had a great relationship until his father died. His sexuality with his partner had been functioning very well for six years — and suddenly everything had collapsed. He was very attached to his father, they talked on the phone every day for a long time. He merged with him. And when his father was gone, he passed it on to his partner. Began constantly it call, about everything ask. He was sure he couldn’t do it without his father. His father had been his shield, his guard against the world — and now he was trying to make a shield out of his partner, while distancing himself from her in sex.
— HE TURNED INTO A CHILD.
- A child should not have sex with a parent.
Another interesting story, rooted in childhood, occurred with my client, who from an early age helped his father to engage in a network of shops. He delivered goods with him, stood behind the cash register, of course, all in between studies. Not a moment’s rest. From an early age, he was used to the fact that he had little time for sleep, for entertainment. When his friends went to the disco or kebabs, he made a choice in favor of work. He met a woman who has four children from previous marriages, all from different men. Now, doing his business, he spends all his free time at home with his family. He sleeps three or four hours a day and is surprised that he feels no desire at all. And I look at him, a 25-year-old man who looks like a 40-year-old man with the body of a 50-year-old, and, frankly, I wonder how he hasn’t had a heart attack yet.
— HE HAS BROUGHT HIS OLD AGE NEARER.
— He had to change his whole firmware, his whole head. Re – program yourself and start.
I ask:
— Do you have any pleasures in life?”
“Excuse me?”
- No, I’m serious, do you have any pleasures in life?
— But I really don’t know what you mean.”
— Well, you know, enjoy the fact that we are doing something only for ourselves, and we are pleased.
“Oh, that hasn’t happened in years.” Sometimes I would like to go with friends to a bar, but my wife forbids.
He does not see that from childhood he fell into the yoke that he received, adopting the life position of his father.
— SOME HAVE TO FIGHT WITH THE PARENT WHO SITS IN THEM OR WHOM THEY SEE IN THE PARTNER OR PARTNER, AND OTHERS (AS WE HAVE ALREADY SAID) – WITH THE FATHER OR MOTHER, WHO CONSTANTLY SIT IN THEIR HEAD AND CRITICIZE THEM.
— I encourage my clients to write down in their spare time the thoughts they have before or during sex. And very often, while working in the office, we come to the fact that behind these thoughts is the mother or father: “Whatever I do, the mother will always be dissatisfied.” Then you need to work out the relationship with the mother, but it’s not about giving the mother a tantrum, but to release a warm, supportive parent. Mother always said that men are hopeless, nothing good to do, dad just drank beer and sits on the couch. The teenager looked at his father, who was returning tired from work, and the message came from him that only if he tried too hard, he would please his mother. Mother, that is, any future woman.
A parent raised mostly in our heads will pet us, hug us, take care of us when someone tells us we’re hopeless. But only when we think so. And the second parent, the warrior, will protect us. It’s good to have a warm and protective parent in your head.
— IT’S ALL IN THE HEAD, AND HOW WILL THIS WARRIOR PROVE HIMSELF BEYOND IT?”
— My clients defuse their anger by running, martial arts, gym, and so on.
— SO IF I HEAR THAT I HAVEN’T SHOWN MYSELF TO BE A MAN, THE GOOD MOTHER SAYS, ‘ NOTHING’S WRONG, IT’S ALL RIGHT»…
— … and the warrior father adds, ‘ it is not you, woman, who will determine what is masculine and what is not masculine.’
And, again, it’s not about that, so that in the years to drive with my parents bills. I had a client who took it literally. He went to his father, sat down with him for three hours with a tirade about what a terrible father he was. The elderly man was in shock, because the last 20 years they did not talk at all.
Another client of mine went with his partner to his parents ‘ house and told his mother how much and when she had hurt him. His mother told him he was acting “like a woman” because he was gentle and ” a guy has to be tough.”
— SHE PROVED TO HIM WHAT HE HAD JUST TOLD HER.
— She humiliated him exactly according to the scenario he told her about. But the interesting thing is what happened after that. This man’s wife, who usually struggled for her husband to open up, talk about emotions, this time supported the mother-in-law.
— IT’S INCREDIBLE THAT A WOMAN WOULD ACCUSE SOMEONE OF BEHAVING LIKE A WOMAN.
“Therapists struggle to get men to talk about their feelings, or at least to have some kind of contact with them. And she at this moment shoulder to shoulder with the mother-in-law fights for traditions. Fortunately, men change for the better, come out of this cultural shell. About the important changes that have occurred in the sexuality of people in the last few years, that is, during the years of my practice, I recently told Kristina Romanovskaya in an interview with “Mother is not a Saint”, which gave for the magazine Wysokie Obsasy Extra.
“AS THE EXAMPLE SHOWS, THE MOTHER IS NOT A SAINT. HIS WIFE, TOO. THE GUY EVENTUALLY CAME OUT OF HIS SHELL, AND THEY DROVE HIM BACK IN. BUT BACK TO THE LIST OF MESSAGES WE HEAR IN OUR HEADS BEFORE SEX AND WRITE OURSELVES DOWN. ALL RECORDED, WHAT NEXT?
— We stand trial.” First we enter the role of the Prosecutor. The Prosecutor quotes what is written, all these negative beliefs such as “a real man always has an erection”, “the Woman with whom I have sex should have several orgasms in a row”, “I am a loser if sex lasts less than half an hour”. Next, we enter the role of a defender who presents counterarguments, that is, positive beliefs such as “a Member in a constant state of erection is called a Dildo”, “a woman’s Sexuality is not a factory of orgasms”, “it is not the duration of sex that defines me as a man”. Finally, as a judge, we must pass sentence. Who’s right? Sentence or release? In psychotherapy, this is called the ” trial method.”
— IT’S NOT EASY BEING A JUDGE ON YOUR OWN CASE.
“Really?” And most of my clients specialize in self-flagellation, they are masters of self-criticism.
— THESE PEOPLE WILL PROMOTE ALL THE PROPOSED REFORMS IN OUR COURTS.
— You can also conduct a survey among friends. When, for example, we consider ourselves insufficiently masculine, we can ask them what our traits they consider the most masculine. Many of my clients with similar problems were shocked because they expected to hear lies, but they quickly received specific answers that shattered their low self-esteem. And that’s fine.
BACK TO THE RELATIONSHIP. ONLY THE PHYSICAL TRAITS OF A PARTNER OR PARTNER CAN AFFECT THE LOSS OF DESIRE?
— This topic is more complicated. I will answer by example. I have a patient who came to me because of a lack of sex in a relationship. His partner’s a slob. It is often said that men do not care about order, and she could cook something and leave it in the pan for a week. The client said the stench was unbearable. When he went away for three weeks on a business trip, on his return he saw a balcony filled with bags of garbage, because it did not occur to her to take them out to the trash. He wanted to send these packages to NASA to study new life forms. He is saved only by the fact that he tries to turn many of life’s troubles into a joke. Or the car-when he recently did cleaning in the car of the partner, took out of it three packages of plastic cups, packages from bars, takeaway food, checks, napkins wrapped in gum wrappers… as a result, he does not want to have sex with her, because when he sees that she is dirty, he turns on generalization and he begins to doubt her hygiene in General and intimate in particular.
— ON THE ONE HAND, IT IS A QUESTION OF PERSONALITY, ON THE OTHER-YOU CAN PROBABLY LEARN TO CLEAN.
“Yes, many will learn, but here we are dealing with the extreme, at least as the client’s story suggests. “Reprogramming” such a woman can be very difficult. However, it now need to be reprogrammed to no longer feel her disgust.
We have a tendency to move the symbol from one place to another, to mark new territory with it. He took to himself that a slob in ordinary life is a slob in regard to hygiene. He doesn’t want to put a dick in her. Because of this, his libido has dropped, and now not only does she have to change, but he has to change his thinking about it.
‘A FRIEND SAID HE FELT QUITE STRANGE HAVING SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT. DOES IT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH “SYMBOLIZING” HER BODY?
- Very often the partners of pregnant women are very sensitive to everything related to motherhood. The very realization that there, inside the partner, a child develops, causes many men to be unwilling to penetrate. In this very office, I heard from a client that he did not want to poke a member of the child. He wasn’t kidding. Another client said that now that his wife is eight months pregnant, he felt his son poke him in the head.
— IF YOU THINK LIKE THAT, YOU MIGHT THINK A CHILD MIGHT GRAB A PENIS.”
- Of course, these pictures have little to do with reality, but they strongly affect it. “The mother of my child is a completely asexual being,” I often hear from clients. Additionally, these men include fear, whether they will be good fathers, this can also cause problems with erection and desire. Meanwhile, many women during pregnancy libido rises. Not only do they need more sex, they experience it more intensely. I often hear in the office: “When I was pregnant, he did not touch me at all. I felt like an incubator.”
— I THINK THAT IN ADDITION TO PARENTAL COURSES, COURSES ON SEX DURING PREGNANCY WOULD BE USEFUL.
- The birth itself for many men are traumatic. I mean those who go to partner births. On some very much affects the look of the vagina, it completely blocks their sex for several years. Therefore, we, sexologists, do not recommend that men participate in childbirth, and if they do participate, then stand behind the woman, do not take selfies, do not record to show to friends. Sometimes in men, childbirth is recorded in the head and then switched on during sex. You can guess how it ends (or rather, does not end).
— IT OFTEN HAPPENS THAT COUPLES STOP HAVING SEX AFTER CHILDBIRTH?
— My experience shows that quite often. When a woman has given birth, her brain is bathed in various hormones, including oxytocin, which creates a bond between her and the baby and also lowers sexual desire. In addition, if physical contact, physical intimacy previously most motivated her to have sex, now she gets them from communicating with the child, thereby losing motivation to have sex with her husband. Some fathers who actively accompany a woman during pregnancy also receive a dose of oxytocin in the brain, which lowers testosterone levels and reduces sexual desire. In others, the desire remains unchanged before pregnancy and after.
— AND WHAT TO DO WHEN MOTIVATION DISAPPEARS? DO THEY HAVE TO RE-MOTIVATE THEMSELVES OR WAIT?
“Some are waiting.” I recommend that you speak directly about your needs, discuss their satisfaction. You also need to go on dates. The fact that the partner gave birth does not mean that the courtship period is over. A child is not a stop-cock, it does not mean that you do not need to try, because she will not leave. If she wanted to, she would leave, now that she felt less attractive after the birth and didn’t get the attention she needed.
Once a week, you can definitely find time to go to a restaurant, a movie, a theater. To leave the child with the grandmother, the uncle, the nurse, to make to itself evening for two. And my clients have a standard date every eight or nine months.
— SADLY. AFTER ALL, IN MANY RESTAURANTS THERE IS A ROOM OF MOTHER AND CHILD, EVEN CHILDREN’S PLAY ROOMS AND EDUCATORS.
And in many hotels there is an animation for children. With a child, you can safely go on vacation and not feel busy only with him.
“THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO PROCREATE CAN BE NERVE-RACKING, TOO.
— Yes, because very often at this time the “task” in sex turns on. A man knows that right from work he needs to run home to have sex at a specific time. He’s very nervous. He may not have an erection, because then sex is coded not as something pleasant, but as a duty to be performed.
NEXT TASK ON THE TO-DO LIST.
“People aren’t born lovers. It is important to remember this.
Very often the reason for the lack of desire is some deep-seated resentment. I often do clients a projection test. Most often I use reception with witchcraft.
— WHAT IS IT?
— There are four categories: me, men, women and partner or partner. Each of these categories we consider in terms of seven transformations: a tree, a flower, an animal, an object of everyday research, a role in a circus, a character from a fairy tale, a musical instrument.
Such a test shows a lot of interesting things. When, for example, someone constantly turns himself into something related to aggression: a knife, a lion, an evil wizard-it is for me information that he suppresses anger in himself and sexually blocks himself. This is especially true of passive-aggressive people.
The lack of sex is often a message: “We will not sleep until you ask for forgiveness.”
“SEX CAN BE A FORM OF APOLOGY, TOO.”
“Yes, but not in this case. It is possible to have sex, but not to feel pleasure at all.
“REALLY?”
“Your libido problems are based on the fact that you have less need for sex, and therefore less need for sex in your life. You come to mind less often sexual fantasies, you even stop masturbating. And when you finally have sex, it’s no more fun than brushing your teeth. Sometimes it’s a consequence of sex addiction, sometimes it’s a habit. Very often this problem happens in people with depression, which cuts us off from experiencing any pleasures.
“THE WORST PART IS THAT NOT EVERYONE REALIZES THAT DEPRESSION AFFECTS EVERYTHING, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IN LIFE.
— My client, who is suffering from depression and is not aware of it, went with his partner to Paris, hoping that maybe there, in a romantic atmosphere, it will finally work out. But it did not work, although they spent time on walks, went to the galleries and so on. He came to me angry with himself for not taking the opportunity. It wasn’t his fault, it was his illness. He resisted for a long time, however, before he accepted the idea. He goes to a psychiatrist, takes medication, but does not see the connection between these facts. He wants, despite depression, to achieve success and only. In sex not is obtained, but on work he squeezes out from themselves 150 % and prides himself on these.
A SHOULD RELAX AND TAKE SICK LEAVE.
— True. The problem with people with depression is often that they think it’s not a disease at all. In this regard, they demand more from themselves, bet on excessive compensation.
COMPENSATE IN ANOTHER AREA?
— I’m not good at sex, I’m not good at work, I guess it’s because I’m not trying hard. I have to run faster, squeeze more out of myself.” They wind themselves up to the limits of possibilities, risking that burst. They feel that only super-powerful stimuli can affect them: strong sex, stimulants, fast driving, intense sports. 300 % of the norm. Such people can often be found in corporations, where they spend 12 hours a day, achieving very good results in work.
Another group of people who do not feel pleasure from sex are those who have had negative beliefs about sexuality hammered into their heads since childhood.
“EW! DO NOT INDULGE IN WRITING!”AGAIN ABOUT THE SAME.
— There are also people who reduce the pleasure they get. He’s the kind of guy who, when you tell them, ” Nice pants!”, will answer: “And, Yes okay, old as not know that, dragged the from bowels of the wardrobe.” It will be the same with sex: “such an orgasm is not an orgasm. I used to have orgasms.” They deny themselves the pleasure, perceive it with suspicion.
IT SEEMS THAT RADICAL RELIGIOUS PEOPLE WILL HAVE THE SAME.
“Quite often. Sex is for procreation, not pleasure. This approach ends up mutilating women in Africa, where the clitoris is cut out or the vagina is sewn up altogether, leaving a small hole for menstrual blood and urination.
People involved in matters of faith who come to me for therapy very often have varying degrees of neurosis. They constantly mix real life, functioning in relationships, the joy of intimacy, experiences of sex and religious demands.
— HOW DO THESE NEUROSES MANIFEST THEMSELVES?”
Problems with erection, premature ejaculation, low libido, pain of the genitals during foreplay, addiction to pornography and cybersex, remorse after intimacy… a Frequent picture-a quick run to the bathroom after sex to properly wash, sometimes the desire to punish yourself and your partner for violating religious rules.
SAID IN AN INTERVIEW THAT ” IN POLAND, WE STILL HAVE NOT LEARNED TO SEPARATE THE CHURCH FROM SEX.”
And Professor Lev-Starovich says that it is necessary either to look for a compromise between dogmas and sexual life, or to accept one of the parties. There’s no other way. Many people do: compromise, at least unofficially.
— WHAT WOULD SUCH A COMPROMISE LOOK LIKE?”
- For example, the use of condoms is very rarely condemned by religious people, although the Church is strongly opposed. However, when this is done on the sly, it turns out that the majority is re-convinced that dogmas can not be implemented. And, speaking about dogmas, I mean also the beliefs taken out from the parental house by people who now do not necessarily consider themselves believers. But certain things are programmed, such as a negative, suspicious attitude toward” sinful ” sexuality. And here, in therapy, it has to be reckoned with.
— WHAT ELSE CAN YOU BRING TO SEX FROM YOUR PARENTS ‘ HOME?
— In Poland there are a lot of dysfunctional families, for example, where one of the parents or both had problems not only with alcohol, but also with dysfunctional anger, mental and physical violence, including in a sober state. Such a parent released the brakes when he drank, so pleasure, allowing himself to relax control was associated with something suspicious, negative in his children. In such moments of” relaxation ” of the parent, the child remembered: to squeeze, you need to merge with the environment. This state did not teach to enjoy life and be carefree. Conversely.
— IF YOU LET GO OF THE BRAKE, SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.”
— Something very bad.” I have a client who had an alcohol-dependent mother who often lost control. And his father worked hard. In families of VDA (adult children of alcoholics), children very often attribute blame to themselves when something bad happens. And this client of mine, as a child and then a teenager, saw that his father was almost not at home. He remembered it was his fault. “My father ignores me because I am unimportant to him. I’m good for nothing.” And now that he’s an adult, he doesn’t have sex with his partner because he thinks it doesn’t suit him, he can’t be effective in life. “I could not arouse the interest of my father, so I will not arouse the interest of a woman, she will not want me, will not get an orgasm.” Such is the subconscious train of thought of these people. And its effects are deplorable.