I asked several hundred clients of my CBTseksuolog consultation to answer a short question: “What would your penis say if it could talk?” Next, I suggested that they write down their answers if they wanted to. It seems to be a simple question, but the reaction was very different. From laughter to feelings of shame and fear. Within six months of asking this question, I received several dozen “penis Monologues”. This is both a little and a lot.
Finding the answer to this question dramatically changes how we view our members. Suddenly it turns out that it (I use my favorite metaphor) is not a Soviet tank, which will pass fire, water and forest. Suddenly it turns out that the penis has its own mood, habits, addictions, complexes and biorhythm. This is an incredibly important thought. For many men, the answer to this question helps them get back to their sex life faster.
Thank you to those clients who wrote “penis Monologues” and those who focused on this issue internally. I believe that many of them will be unexpected for some readers, some will smile, others will recognize themselves in the answers, and some will get angry. And that’s good. That is precisely the challenge before them was to evoke emotion and to break stereotypes.
BURSHTYN, 62 YEARS OLD
Hi, I’m Burshtyn. Or maybe this is a more transcendental question, because I have some primordial energy that is no longer available to me.
Sometimes I feel like a Scorpion frozen in a drop of resin that eventually became amber. And just as this Scorpion observed the beauty of the flora and fauna of the age of dinosaurs, so I experienced beautiful moments of sex in the ancient times of my youth. I think about it a lot: with sadness and nostalgia.
Once upon a time, incredible creatures walked the earth, shimmered with unimaginable colors, and were much more interesting and numerous than the exhibits of the London Museum of natural history. So I got acquainted with juicy pussies, full Breasts, thirsty mouths. Now I don’t have it. I don’t see this beauty. For 15 years now, I feel like a forgotten, dust-covered stone that once lay in the window of the regional Museum of natural history. I can no longer see the Scorpion in me, although I know it is there, and I remember how it could have pricked me earlier.
FELLINI, 47 YEARS OLD
Ciao. You can call me Fellini. I’m not a simple Polish penis. I spent my childhood and youth in Italy. I was lucky because the Italian dons allowed me to become a sophisticated lover. I have an older half-brother whose ladies have always agreed to non-binding coitus. As long as I can remember, I have always had premature ejaculation with them. They were all buxom, with fire in their eyes and a thirst for sex. I was incredibly excited about it, and I couldn’t help but make a Grand shot in their honor. Sometimes even during passionate kisses.
I’ve been in Poland for ten years, and it’s no better here. I date hot polkas with an Italian temperament. If a woman is impulsive, builds men into corners, I understand that this partner is for me. I can’t brag about the length of sex, but I make up for it with ars amandi. I endlessly charm a woman. I compliment her, seduce her. I know that if I create the right atmosphere, the woman won’t notice the early ending. After such a long game, the woman herself bleeds juices, so that my liquid gets away with it.
Arrivederci, la dolce mona.
SCOURGE OF GOD (PRIEST), 38 YEARS OLD
Peace be with you. You don’t know when you’ll meet me. You can see me if you have high-speed Internet and if you also turn on the camera at night. Only at night, because at night Allah does not see — and neither does God.
Then my Lord takes off his cassock and sits down in front of the camera. He has something to show, he sows envy among men and delight among women. I have not been in any vagina, my Lord would not allow me. It would be contrary to what I believe. Fortunately, I have the ability to wave my whip in front of the screen. Cybersex is not sex. Be careful, because you may also get in my way.
SPEEDY, 23 YEARS OLD
Hello! What I can say: I’m speedy — that’s all you need to know. After each sex, I feel incredibly embarrassed, and a Road Runner is running over my head. I hate this cartoon, because I am the ostrich that no one talks to, no one contacts. It only breaks forward. The worst thing is that I don’t control this speed. After sex, I want to bury my head in the sand, but because I don’t want women to laugh at me, I dive my head between her legs. I think my testosterone level is too high, and soon it will start to drop. I hate that ostrich, I wish I was a turtle in these things, like my bro. Good-bye.
BONZO, 33 YEARS OLD
Well, Hello, kisuli. Anyone who knows me knows what I am like. I don’t take prisoners. I’m always visible. We can safely say that every second girl on the sea is mine. I don’t remember a few parties from my youth, but on vacation I had a great time there. This is not how women are treated. And whatever, I do what I want. I like to take a slow ride around the city, mark the territory. In Warsaw, I am also known in several clubs. I don’t care, in life you need to have a good time, find a place for yourself.
Remember, guys in suits will not give you what a real man can offer. Bitch, you’re gonna love this. See you at the dance.
P., 35 years OLD
I’m 35 years old, I’m a penis, and I don’t have a name, since I believe that if I get a name (Stefan, Marek, or John), I won’t be taken seriously. I don’t want to be funny. At least, I’m counting on it. So let’s say my name is P.
I love Tits more than anything in the world. This may sound a little corny, even primitive, but it’s true, there’s no point in pretending it isn’t. I probably would like to get up from Tilda Swinton’s elegant charm, but the reality is that it’s my Boobs that Wake me up first. I adore them in all their forms, with the greatest joy I bring covered, dressed, only hinting at what they will look like.
Large Breasts my primitivism, perhaps ending because of a perverted swotting of porn I prefer sex with passion. I can’t imagine making love without my hands, my tongue, my skin. The only thing I associate with penetration is something mechanical, which I refuse to do.
I don’t like challenges. I do not like situations in which I have to do something in a certain way, for example, because it is necessary. I like to feel free, to know that I am not responsible for everything, and everything will not break if I mess something up.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not the easiest tool in the world, perhaps I am too complex. Remember once and for all: I am not easy.
And I’m not a tool.
Sincerely, P.
SZPADYZOR, 34
I like men’s games. I like to finish a naughty pussy well. I like to grab my hair. I like to go deep. I like to say: “Kneel before the sword.” I love BDSM. Women do, too. And if one of them tells you that she doesn’t love you, it means that you have too small balls for her to feel like a woman in front of you and give in to you. I’m sorry, but it’s true. So I have a little competition, and most of my friends are henpecked. They won’t get far with this babyish approach. Predators to eat.
YARETSKY, 31 YEARS OLD
Horseradish is what it is, everyone can see it. 16 centimeters of meat, a large head, two large eggs and hectolitres of sperm flooding the keyboard during daily porn sessions. Maybe my host Yarek has a little extra weight, but women like men of this category. What else? I’m a demanding fuck, I don’t like thickets. So long.
ROMEO, 27
Hi. I am Romeo, I am a mystery to myself. I noticed two States. I am super functioning in sex when I meet a woman with whom I will definitely have nothing. For two years, I had a very successful sex with a Ukrainian woman, to whom I went to Odessa every few weeks. My father practically denied me the inheritance. He considered it a misalliance: I, almost an aristocrat, would have gone with some Eastern wench.
Then for a few months I was with a woman who was going to move to the United States with her family in four months. Again, everything was great. I also had a partner who died of breast cancer a few months later. In this relationship, there was a lot of oral sex in both directions. Then I had two long-term relationships with available, non-moving women. We were living together, and I didn’t want to have sex very quickly. They didn’t fire me like that.
I miss the old days. I miss relationships that are impossible.
ZORRO, 26 YEARS OLD
I’m Zorro. I see the world like this. There are many unhappy married ladies who have been enslaved by some feudal lords. Usually such a gentleman is covered with fat, he has red eyes and a huge muzzle. Next to him, a slender young lady is wasting herself, hungry for affection. With my sword I beat off such a slave and grant her bliss. Ask yourself, what is it? This is my mission.
PREGNANT HUNTER! 44 YEARS OLD
My passion is pregnant women. I have sex with huge women. A few years ago, I registered on the sites Erodate and Zbiornik. There I meet pregnant women: from 1 to 9 months. How many were there? I don’t know, I stopped counting after the 50th. Who are they? Usually married women who in the eyes of their husband have moved to the periphery because he works, because the mortgage is there, because he is somewhere there, because he is disgusted to have sex with a pregnant woman, because somewhere he is lying drunk. I’ve also had a few single women who were abandoned by their biological father, divorced women who had goodbye sex with their ex. I was raised by two older sisters, my mother and grandmother. I can talk to women. Men are not even aware of what a woman can do if you pay her a little attention. Why am I doing this? In therapy, I realized where my fantasies came from. During sex, I very often imagine that I am the biological father of this child. The truth is, I’m infertile…
CUTE, 40 YEARS OLD
What does my penis say? That it’s not easy to get laid. Women are very demanding, they hold their noses up high. All such bold, fashionable, representatives of the highest circles. They say that women don’t need money, it’s important for them to be nice and smart. Nonsense. I’m a railway worker, I wear a uniform, but they don’t stack up in front of me. And they say that women like men in uniform. The neighbor says: be nice, and you will definitely meet a good woman. I’m sweet, I don’t have a woman, and I risk being a bachelor. What to say, if you were born a Sparrow, you will not die an eagle.
PREGNANT HUNTER! 44 YEARS OLD
My passion is pregnant women. I have sex with huge women. A few years ago, I registered on the sites Erodate and Zbiornik. There I meet pregnant women: from 1 to 9 months. How many were there? I don’t know, I stopped counting after the 50th. Who are they? Usually married women who in the eyes of their husband have moved to the periphery because he works, because the mortgage is there, because he is somewhere there, because he is disgusted to have sex with a pregnant woman, because somewhere he is lying drunk. I’ve also had a few single women who were abandoned by their biological father, divorced women who had goodbye sex with their ex. I was raised by two older sisters, my mother and grandmother. I can talk to women. Men are not even aware of what a woman can do if you pay her a little attention. Why am I doing this? In therapy, I realized where my fantasies came from. During sex, I very often imagine that I am the biological father of this child. The truth is, I’m infertile…
CUTE, 40 YEARS OLD
What does my penis say? That it’s not easy to get laid. Women are very demanding, they hold their noses up high. All such bold, fashionable, representatives of the highest circles. They say that women don’t need money, it’s important for them to be nice and smart. Nonsense. I’m a railway worker, I wear a uniform, but they don’t stack up in front of me. And they say that women like men in uniform. The neighbor says: be nice, and you will definitely meet a good woman. I’m sweet, I don’t have a woman, and I risk being a bachelor. What to say, if you were born a Sparrow, you will not die an eagle.