WHY DO PEOPLE NEED RELATIONSHIPS? NOT MANY SPECIES OF ANIMALS DARE TO DO THIS.
— You know, Przemyslaw, sometimes when a difficult couple leaves the office in a complete crisis, I think it’s something incredible-that people build relationships. Taking into account everything that is written in our heads, as well as our fears, fears, most often vague, the relationship has every right not to develop. But, however, they add up, which is probably why we need them.
“MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO THINK LESS.”
- John Kabat-Zinn, one of the mindfullness gurus, says: “If you wash the dishes, wash the dishes.” When you have sex, have sex, love, and don’t think about what you need to do in half an hour or who is making any hints. “She looked up at the ceiling. What did she mean by that?”
“THOUGHTS GET IN THE WAY.”
— However, if we are serious, we are witnessing a revolution in relations. More and more couples who live together without marrying, more and more single people who choose to be alone, more and more divorces. Some say that this is a sign of the times, that now there is General licentiousness. But I don’t agree with that. Previously, it was somewhat “easier” for two people, because it was more difficult in financial and housing matters. Now no circumstances have any pressure to live together. Because of this, people have become somewhat more selective.
“BUT IS IT SO BAD?”
— In fact, modern relationships are “better” because people enter into them as a result of their own choice, and not under compulsion, as before. However, there is a catch: most people think that their partner should be their clone, think and feel the same way. They are looking for someone on a specific plan instead of opening up to adventure-that is, what the second person is like. This search option leads to infinity. I call it the supermarket effect, because people on Tinder behave like they’re in a big shopping Mall.
“AND IF WE DO FIND THE RIGHT PERSON?”
— We talked about the growing percentage of couples who burn out their sexuality after a while. After two or three years in a relationship, the chemistry in the brain (that is, phenylethylamine, which feeds our brain at the beginning of a relationship and causes “butterflies in the stomach”) fades. This is absolutely natural. We begin to look at the second person more critically, notice their disadvantages, and so on. Sometimes, at the same moment, the hyphenation appears: “Wow, she behaves exactly like my mother!”. At this time, we have a psychological anti-incestuous mechanism that suppresses sexual desire.
“NO ONE IS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR MOTHER.” OEDIPUS IS ENOUGH.
— It can be a mother, father, one of the previous partners. This also happens when a person has hurt us very much. Most often it is the father. I recently had a situation where a client stopped having sex with a partner. There was no real reason, but he claimed that she reminded him of a woman he had three relationships with (i.e. 10 years ago). That woman left him, he’s injured…
NO, THAT’S TOO MUCH.
— However, when we got into the problem, it turned out that Yes, the woman left him, but first of all, she reminded him of his mother. And the new partner also reminded me of my mother.
MOTHER EVERYWHERE!
— Because the betrayal that took place three years ago has freshened the wound left by the feeling that his mother betrayed him.
“HOW EXACTLY?”
— One day, when he was in elementary school, his mother said that the headmistress had called and they needed to come to the school urgently. He was surprised. The mother said that according to the headmistress, she and a friend stole something from the school store. “But it’s not me! Krzysztof stole with some other friend!”. But his mother didn’t believe him. During the investigation, Krzysztof specifically accused my client because they were not friends. It ended up being punished at home and emotionally cold by the mother for several months.
My client took it as a betrayal on her part. Therefore, now he is very sensitive to infidelity on the part of women. The current partner reminded him of the one who had cheated, so he was afraid that she would do the same. And she did the same as her mother.
THE CHAIN OF TRANSMIGRATION OF SOULS.
— Another example: I had a man in therapy who was raised by a single mother. In addition to him, she had another disabled son. They were very close and somehow managed poorly. But it was programmed in his head, of course, unconsciously, that love is a sacrifice and in a real, deep relationship there is not necessarily sex. In the end, the mother had a very good and warm relationship with him and with his brother, but did not develop an emotional and erotic relationship with a man. So he subconsciously turned off his sexuality.
“NOW HE’S SACRIFICING HIMSELF TO OTHERS?”
“You guessed it. He became a doctor, helps people, but he does not have an erotic relationship with a woman. Being over 40, he finally met a young teacher who works with children. He decided that this would be the ideal partner for him, because since she has such a profession, she must understand the idea of self-sacrifice, dedication. She is young, just out of high school; exhausted by a difficult relationship with her father. This is not a free woman who has fun with men and is looking for a sharp experience. She needed help from him, and she got it. But after a while, she wanted sex.
“THEY HAVEN’T EVEN TRIED IT BEFORE?”
- Caresses, kisses-Yes. But he was sure that he would only have sex when he was 100 % sure that it was the right person.
“BUT WE CAN NEVER BE SURE!”
— Moreover, when the level of phenylethylamine falls in a relationship, we naturally begin to have doubts. Sex is not a pleasure that should be postponed for an indefinite future.
And they SAY that SEX SHOULD be POSTPONED UNTIL the 50th DATE.
— Anyway, my client had an emotional relationship with this woman, but not a sexual one. He provided her with an apartment, money, and a start in life. He took on the role of her father, and she was his daughter. And thanks to his support, she was reborn, got back on her feet, felt like a woman. She really blossomed. Having become more confident in herself, feeling inner harmony, she began to use good cosmetics, buy clothes, began to play sports, go for a walk with friends. This did not go unnoticed by the men she knew, and she immediately received attention from them. In this regard, she had a question: “So why if men like me so much, I don’t have sex?”. This surprised her partner, who over the past six years had become used to the situation that they could be together without sex. He started using an avoidance strategy: “Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week; not now, I’m tired after work.” Part of the truth was, he works very hard. At the same time he began to look for flaws in it: “If I don’t want to have sex with her, maybe she’s the problem.”
“DID HE THINK THE PROBLEM WAS IN HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT?”
— My client had a feeling that the truth was on his side, because his life situation suggested that everything was as it should be. In the end, he broke up with her. And they had a great, deep relationship, a strong connection with great potential. A year later, he found himself in a relationship with a very religious woman who believes that sex should only be after marriage. I myself am very interested in how this story will develop further. He says he can’t imagine having sex with her at the moment because her bedroom looks like a sanctuary. It contains a sea of images and figures of saints. It may be difficult for him to do anything with her in front of such an audience.
FROM WHAT YOU’RE SAYING, PEOPLE WHO ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT DON’T HAVE SEX OFTEN DON’T KNOW WHY.
— Right. A client comes to me and says: I have a great relationship with my wife, we have full contact, except sexual. I’m surprised. It’s only when we start digging that we find the reason. But before that happens, I’m on some kind of session can hear: “Right, I get it! That’s because her butt is flat!»
“I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER BECAUSE OF THE FLAT BOTTOM SHE PROBABLY HAD WHEN WE FIRST MET?”
— I understand the absurdity of this idea, but he holds on to this ass, because he sees a secondary benefit: in the case of this client, it justifies his infidelity. This is a constant repertoire, the highlight of the program in the treatment of sexual problems — we look for secondary benefits in problems with sex. I know it sounds weird. But, paradoxically, customers hold on to these ideas with a stranglehold.
CLEARLY. JUST BECAUSE SEX ISN’T IN A RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T MEAN IT ISN’T IN A RELATIONSHIP.
— These infidelities are often the result of helplessness and ruthlessness, but it is easy to become dependent on sex,and there is a problem. Naturally, omitting the situation when the partner finds out about the infidelity and puts the relationship at risk.
Many men, as a reaction to sexual problems in relationships, begin to seek solace in pornography.
AND THIS, AS WE REMEMBER, CAN END IN ADDICTION.
— If we are talking about the proportion, then among porn addicts 80 % of men and 20 % of women. The negative revolution was that now every third man in a permanent relationship does not live a sexual life with his wife regularly or at all.
Interesting changes have occurred in who takes the initiative in sex. More and more often women do this, which is not always pleasant to men. However, I have had clients who could not cope with the situation when their partners asked them to initiate sex themselves.
ELIZABETH BADENDER WROTE IN HER ACCLAIMED BOOK XY: ON MASCULINE IDENTITY IN 1992 THAT “MALE IDENTITY IS ASSOCIATED WITH POSSESSION, PENETRATION, DOMINANCE, AND SELF-ASSERTION, AS WELL AS, WHEN NECESSARY, POWER. WOMEN ARE CHARACTERIZED BY GIVING, DEPENDENCE, PASSIVITY, AND SUBMISSION.” HAS THAT CHANGED?
Looking at the calendar of evolution, we can say that the emancipation of women is only a thousandth part of our history. Therefore, many men are used to Patriarchy, a period when they dominated women. What do I advise clients in this situation? So that they accept reality and acquire the skills to work in partnership with women as quickly as possible.
DOES THE PARTNERSHIP ALSO APPLY TO BED ISSUES?
— Many men still dream of sex, which, like snakes, lasts 12 hours and is the embodiment of a porn film, which is directed by a man. There are also those who respond with erection problems to their partners ‘ requests for dominance. They just don’t see themselves in this role, they don’t get excited about it.
I THINK THEY CAN BE JUSTIFIED.
“I think so.
And those who have dominant partners do not know how to behave. In their culture there are no examples of the passive male behavior in sex. “What if she wants to introduce some strange variety? And when she takes the initiative, what role should I play? Resist as if I don’t want to? Give in?” I often hear such dilemmas from my clients.
IN THAT CASE, ANOTHER QUOTE. MICHAEL BADER, “MALE SEXUALITY”: “THE MEANING OF A MAN’S FANTASY THAT HE IS SEXUALLY DOMINATED BY A STRONG WOMAN IS THE SAME AS THE MEANING OF THE PREFERENCES OF ANOTHER MAN WHO LIKES TALL WOMEN, OR ANOTHER MAN WHO PREFERS TO BE BOTTOM DURING SEX. IN ALL THREE CASES THE VALUE IS: THE WOMAN IS STRONG ENOUGH THAT I DON’T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER.”
— This is one of the most important quotes from Bader’s book. He talks about a popular myth (which is not only in Polish sex culture) that a man is responsible for initiating sex, arousing himself and his partner, showing desire, maintaining an erection, having a long duration of sex, getting his partner to orgasm and getting his own orgasm.
— A LITTLE TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY FOR A FEW MINUTES OF SEX…
— … which should also bring a sense of security, freedom, ease, pleasantness and joy. Therefore, sexologists believe that when approaching a partner or partner, each lover is responsible for their 50 % – together this is 100% of intimacy.
We have several rules that govern close relationships.
“NAME THE MOST IMPORTANT ONES.”
— The most important is the partner norm, which was developed in 1986 by the founder of Polish sexology Kazimierz Imelinsky [39]. It has been a long time since then, but it is still relevant. According to her, the behavior that is the norm, this behaviour, in which:
- Involves two Mature partners;
- Both partners accept these standards;
- Partners strive to get mutual pleasure;
- Nothing threatens health partners;
- They do not violate social norms, that is, they do not interfere with other people.
THIS IS A VERY ORDERED VIEW OF THE TOPIC. I HAVEN’T HEARD OF IT.
— I’ll give you a few examples. When cybersex on a webcam: occurs between adults (1), both like it (3) and they accept it (2), when partners do not sit all night (4) and engage in it in an intimate place (5), without posting recordings and screenshots to the Internet without consent (2), sexology takes this form of sex. And, for example, pedophilia violates all partner norms, so it is classified as a crime.
“AND CHEMSEX?”
- Sexology negatively assesses the use of drugs in sex. Despite the fact that chemsex occurs between adults, both love it and accept it, it is practiced in an intimate place, it destroys the sex centers in the brain and has a bad effect on individual organs: the liver, kidneys, respiratory system, brain, circulatory system. in Addition, more than 70% of people who use drugs during sex, neglect condoms, that is, engage in dangerous sex!
I UNDERSTAND THAT HOMOSEXUALITY PASSES THIS TEST.
- Homosexuality is a natural sexual orientation, not sexual behavior, as stated earlier, so it is not discussed.
“BUT THE CHURCH TALKS ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME!”
— I invite the participants of the discussion to familiarize themselves with the works of sexologists, confirmed by hundreds of thorough studies. If a sexual relationship between two men and two women corresponds to the partner norm, then it is completely accepted as a relationship between two different-sex people.
BACK TO THE COUPLE OF PARTNERS WE LEFT BEHIND BEFORE DECIDING WHO TAKES THE INITIATIVE IN BED. HOW DO THEY NEGOTIATE?
— Incredibly simple. First, she is the Queen and her wish is given priority, fulfilled by the partner. Another time, he is the king, and she fulfills his needs and desires.
PARITY.
— For men, the Foundation of a variety of sexual games in bed and beyond is direct contact with their masculinity. They feel good with her. Only this helps them take the initiative in sex.
OR MAYBE IF A MAN DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE, IT IS NOT ONLY A CRISIS OF MASCULINITY, BUT ALSO A CRISIS OF MIDDLE AGE IN MEN?
- It sounds good, but you need to think about what we call maturity. For some, this is self-realization in work, for others-building a large family, while others decide that it is possible to be an adult only when all issues with parents are resolved.
It seems that people are looking for new patterns of identity these days. Therefore, both masculinity and maturity need to be looked at differently than 10 years ago. And not as something permanent, but as concepts that are constantly being verified
A MAN IS A WORK IN PROGRESS.
— Let’s turn to the encyclopedia of eroticism by Professor Zbigniew Lev-Starovich. The article “psychosexual maturity»: “it is closely linked to mental maturity in all its manifestations, i.e.: intelligence, feelings, value system, full realization of social and professional roles. It means forming yourself as a woman, a man, understanding the specifics of gender differences, the ability to create partnerships, and forming a sense of responsibility for decisions.”
FORMING A SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY — I THINK THIS FOUNDATION OF MATURITY WILL NEVER CHANGE.
— Further: “Successful partnerships allow you to realize maturity and show all the male and female capabilities, a kind of manifestation of this is parenthood.” Professor Lev-Starovich wrote this in 2001. I think not much has changed in our thinking since then. Yes, in small localities, in the village, people are not very interested in whether you are being implemented professionally, but they are interested in whether you have a family, children, and so on. And big cities accept people without a couple or childless couples with free relationships; this has nothing to do with maturity or lack of it.
STOP BUILDING HOUSES, PLANTING TREES, AND HAVING SONS!
— I don’t know any men who would implement all three points.
Returning to the article on psychosexual maturity: “male Sexuality has a polygamous character, expressed in the need for diversity, the desire for sexual satisfaction.”
— WE HAVE ALREADY TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT MALE POLYGAMY. THIS IS ALSO DUE TO EVOLUTION.
— Yes, but it should be emphasized that the growth of women’s sexual awareness has greatly reduced polygamous hardships. First, more than 60 % of my clients want a dominant partner, even if they haven’t yet accepted it. Secondly, when women awoke in sex, they had demands, men began to understand that there is no point in looking for additional activities outside the home, because they have a lot of work at home. This ends with a fear of the task, erectile dysfunction, and other problems that we discussed in the book.
In other words, a polygamous man usually lives among passive women. To put it bluntly: he puts on quantity in a situation where quality is not enough for him. But this is increasingly a thing of the past. At least in the big cities. Women have given themselves the right to orgasm, to achieve pleasant sensations in sex. For men, this is still a novelty. As if suddenly shields and swords were replaced with tanks.
— IT’S REALLY HARD TO CALL THIS A CRISIS, IT IS RATHER BOTH SEXUALITY MEN AND WOMEN FINALLY GOT EQUAL RIGHTS.
— It is difficult to call it a crisis, since, according to my observations, men do not suffer from what happened. Yes, they are surprised, sometimes they lose, but they are trying to adapt to the new conditions of the game. Some mistakenly describe this” liberation ” of women in sex as a situation in which women need new incentives, sharp sex. But these are outdated views. You need to take care not only about the quality of sex itself, but also about the emotional environment, about the equality of the parties in sex. And this is probably why there are many social movements to take a step back and return to the Patriarchal order. The world is simple: you live by the rules imposed by the party, Church, or social group in which you function. You adapt, and yet you don’t need the agony of choice. This topic affects about 90 % of my clients.
“WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A MAN?”
— What it means to be a man, what it means to be a woman. In the past era, you would come home after work, turn on the TV, open a beer, your wife would serve food, you would eat, and she would take care of the children. You had sex with her last night.
“AND IT WAS “FROM BELOW”.
— Very often, Yes. Good point.
Now Mature relationships are defined through partnership. The couple creates a system, the partners themselves describe what the relationship is, and what role they play in it. Regardless of external patterns, dogmas and ideology. We, as a couple, build our own rules of the game, make sure that there is a lot of oxygen, but also to implement mutual promises.
Of course, there are a number of pitfalls.
“OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE A JOB.”
— A sexologist always has a job, because the level of knowledge concerning sexuality is still very low. But I’ll give you an example. One client worked for me on reactivating desire in marriage. We have come to the conclusion that the main reason for this state of Affairs is the revolution that has occurred in society. A man cannot be a primitive, he must be a friend. General division of responsibilities, talk about emotions, joint upbringing of children. But for him, it was a denial of the male role that he had taken out of the house. And this was the reason for the disappearance of desire. He began to feel more like a friend than a partner. We were working on it, and the libido started to come back to life, but then there was another disaster.
“WHAT HAPPENED?”
— He found out that his wife was cheating on him. They’ve been together for 15 years, and they haven’t had sex in the last eight. She blamed him, even though it was really her fault, her libido went down because she thought of him as a friend. When, all of a sudden, after all these years, he wanted to marry her again, she realized that she no longer wanted him. Of course, he was furious: he is working on himself, and he is met with such ingratitude on her part. But there was nothing to save in this marriage.
IT IS INTERESTING THAT THEY WERE UNITED BY THEIR LACK OF DESIRE.
And lack of communication. She told him to go to a therapist, and he thought it was all his fault. Like I said: lack of communication is one of the main problems in relationships. This is especially true for men who like to hold emotions in themselves. Women often tell me that the partner happens to lack an erection, he apologizes or not, turns away and behaves as if offended. The iron curtain, the end.
The other side of the coin is men who only care about women’s satisfaction, not taking into account that her pleasure — including seeing a partner she satisfies.
SELFISH ALTRUISM.
— She tries to do something, he moves away, the iron curtain falls from her side.
IN RELATIONSHIPS, YOU CAN EXPERIMENT, USE DIFFERENT TECHNIQUES, TOYS, AND REALIZE YOUR FANTASIES. BUT IT’S VERY DIFFICULT TO JUST TALK.
“It seems so. But this, of course, is also changing. People are increasingly talking about their needs.
Psychotherapy is based on developing the ability to understand yourself, your needs, desires, and expectations. Yes, you need to look at social norms, but you need to rely more on yourself and your development. This is very important.
One of my clients has been practicing martial arts for a long time, and he is also a vegetarian. When his friends go for a Burger after a workout, he gorges on vegetables. Cooks himself. Goes for walks with a small furry dog, which, according to stereotypes, would be more suitable for an elderly lady. At the same time, the man is well-built. If someone on the street had picked on him, he would have been able to calm his friend down for a moment or two.
IT COMBINES THE OPPOSITE FEATURES.
“I call it hybrid masculinity. It concerns all aspects that go beyond the usual norms: in the sphere of behavior, relationships, clothing. For example, in relation to men’s fashion, we have our own stamps in Poland. And those who try to circumvent them are often doomed to attacks from defenders of traditions.
I STILL THINK THAT’S CHANGING. WHEN I LOOK AT YOUNG PEOPLE UP TO TWENTY OR A LITTLE OVER TWENTY, SOMETIMES I THINK I FLEW SOME ALIENS AND IMPREGNATED POLKAS. THEY HAVE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TYPE OF APPEARANCE, A DIFFERENT KIND OF SELF-CARE. IN LARGE CITIES, SANDALS AND MILITARY TROUSERS ARE NOT POPULAR AT THE MOMENT.
— When we were young, a man who took care of himself looked very suspicious. And now this is the standard.
JUST LOOK AT THE PLAYERS: RONALDO, LEWANDOWSKI, KRYCHOWIAK…
— There is a myth that men are visual artists, but it works both ways. Women also choose with their eyes.
MY FRIEND IS A STYLIST. FRIENDS COME TO HIM AND ASK: “DRESS ME SO THAT THE GIRLS IN THE CLUB WILL FLY TO ME.” AND THEN THEY SEND HIM A PHOTO FROM THE FITTING ROOMS TO EVALUATE THE OUTFIT.
— At the same time, many men still believe that their rich inner world is absolutely enough. My client can’t bring herself to have sex with a partner. Because he comes home from work, pulls on sweatpants, opens a beer — and in these romantic circumstances demands of her marital duty. For her, the way he looks and behaves is absolutely asexual.
“I BET HE DOESN’T REALIZE IT AT ALL.”
— My other client has incredibly long legs. In addition, she likes to emphasize them, walk in short skirts. Recently, the street near her house was renovated. Every day she heard some unambiguous proposals from mustachioed men at least 20 years older than her. As if they didn’t realize they were light-years apart.
MY FRIEND HAD A SIMILAR SITUATION IN ONE OF THE WARSAW SHOPPING CENTERS. THE GUARD LOOKED AT HER, AND SHE ASKED: “REALLY?” HE RESPONDED BY INSULTING HER. THE POLES HAVE A PROUD! AND SHE MUST BE FROM THE VILLAGE IF SHE DIDN’T APPRECIATE IT.
— Men have different ways to increase their sense of self-worth. My client’s husband, who has been suffering from excess weight for several years, instead of going on a diet, going to a specialist, became involved in self-development. He weighs 140 kilos and believes that his health will be improved by meetings with a shaman. He had the same mechanism that happens to men with erection problems who start looking for wonderful pills on the Internet.
“EXCUSE me?”
- Ulak-tartysh is a game in which two teams of men on horses rush at speed in the direction of the carcass of a goat, abandoned somewhere in the steppe. The first person to grab it throws it at the other team member who is supposed to catch it. So they ride on, tossing this poor goat. The winner is the team whose participant is the first to drive on a sheep skin spread out on the ground. With a dead goat in his hand, of course.
— I WONDER WHEN IT WILL BECOME AN OLYMPIC SPORT.
— This requires horse riding skills, dexterity, a good horse, special training. And strength, because the goat weighs a good fifteen kilograms.
My client became a professional in this sport. He comes to the competition as the only participant from Poland. And since he is engaged in Ulak-tartysh, he has lost problems with an erection.
HE HAS FOUND OUTWARD PROOF OF HIS MANHOOD.
— Some of them build a country house with their own hands, others go in a Sheriff’s suit to Piknik Country in Mrongov, others create a workshop in the basement and work in it on their return from the office. It may sound corny, but it’s good to have a hobby, because it gives us a sense of self-worth, distracts us from the stresses of everyday life.
THE HERO OF THE FILM “BILLY ELLIOT” HAS LONG STRUGGLED TO BE A BALLET DANCER.
- This is the basis of hybrid masculinity: as part of the formation of our male identity, we combine the old and the new. French President Emmanuel macron is a good example. Relationships between adult women and young men were previously taboo. And now he and his wife were in an advantageous position.
The key to a successful sexual life is to define yourself and your needs and further manifest them.
IN THIS CASE, KENNETH PURVIS, AUTHOR OF THE GROUNDBREAKING BOOK THE MALE SEXUAL MACHINE: AN OWNER’S MANUAL WAS WRONG TO SAY: “IF WE REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND HOW MEN THINK, IT’S BETTER TO START FROM THE BOTTOM.”
— The most important sexual organ — the brain. And, paradoxically, our book is about.