THEY SAY THAT MEN NEVER HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SEX. IS THAT SO?
— Yes. A client comes to me and says, “My Johnson is, my Johnson is…” I said, “is This your partner?”. The client says no, it’s his penis. And problems with him. And a man is always all right.
Many men have the impression that a member is a separate being, but you can not bring only a member to therapy! It’s not teeth or throat when you can open your mouth, show what hurts, get a prescription and go further.
Problems in sex always concern the person entirely.
— WHY WE PREFER TO THINK THAT THE PENIS IS A SEPARATE ENTITY?
— It makes our lives easier. I’ll talk to the therapist about the penis, complain about it, the therapist will do something, and the problem will disappear. Meetings with a sexologist many clients see almost as a trip to the hairdresser: “Cut my beard, as you see fit, and I will decide whether it will suit me or not.” Such magical thinking is a bit like a primitive: please complete the rite of atonement over that body, and he too became intractable. We would like to exorcise this whimsical deity. I have sex with a partner that doesn’t add up: probably my little God wants fresh blood! We need to find another victim. This is a very common approach.
One of my clients dated a woman for a year, and when they finally moved in, the sex of their lives was gone.
THE DEITY BEGAN TO DEMAND SOMETHING NEW?
— Yeah. The client had problems, and he began to “solve” them, finding women on the side. Two, three a month He never wondered where such “gluttony”came from. It wasn’t until we started therapy that it became clear that his problem had a psychological basis: a pathological relationship with his mother led to a fear of intimacy in sex. It’s easy to have sex with a new person, but as soon as affection appears, sex disappears.
— THAT IS, HE FED HIS MONSTER NEW WOMEN INSTEAD OF FIGURING OUT WHY A HUNGRY MONSTER. IT SEEMS THAT SOME MEN NEED TO SEW THE MEMBER THAT THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THEY THEMSELVES RUN IT.
— Yes, at our sessions we “sew” a penis, and it happens not less painfully, than if it and the truth was made by means of a needle and a thread. The perception of the member as something external is very convenient: if he’s out there hanging, what can I do if he misbehaves? And when I realize that this “something” is a part of me, I have to take responsibility.
A PART OF ME? YES BECAUSE WHEN SEPARATED FROM HIS OWN SEXUALITY: DO NOT TOUCH THERE, UGH, UGH, IT’S SINFUL.
— I think that’s the main reason why we perceive our body below the belt. Since something is wrong with this area, it is better to have nothing to do with it. Mothers are often very frightened that their son is playing with a penis.
— PICKING YOUR NOSE SOMEHOW, THIS FEAR IS NOT BORN, BUT BOTH THE NOSE AND THE PENIS PARTS OF OUR BODY.
— You have to look at yourself. That is, first, to recognize that we have different parts of the body. Secondly, to begin to understand more deeply in itself, the emotions, experiences. This is completely at odds with how young people are being brought up now: they should not worry, on the contrary, they are instructed to completely abandon their own emotional component.
— WHEN I SWIM IN THE SEA OR SIT IN THE SANDBOX, I SHOULD BE IN SHORTS. WHAT’S SO HIDDEN, WHY SHOULD I BE ASHAMED?
Good question! Even Jesus was affected. Already in the XVI century, his penis began to cover the paintings and sculptures. This is described in the remarkable book “the Sexuality of Christ” [1]. At the same time, in the middle Ages, nothing prevented mass trade in such a relic as fragments of his foreskin.
— EXACTLY! AFTER ALL, THE CONSEQUENCE OF ORIGINAL SIN WAS THE SHAME ADAM AND EVE REALIZED THEY WERE NAKED. AND SINCE THEN DID NOT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT LEAVES.
— The original sin was born when a person realized that he has sexuality.
THE INSTINCT IS STILL STRONGER THAN RELIGION OR CULTURE.
— Otherwise we’d be long gone. The lack of contact with sexuality is the lack of contact with yourself. This is clearly seen when we are 25 years old begins to fall testosterone levels and there are problems with erection. The man feels fear and powerlessness, as if he was dropped an atomic bomb.
AND HE CAN’T AFFECT IT?
— We can not affect many things related to our body. We are turning gray, we have a bad hearing, sight. But it’s still our body, and all the reasons are still inside us, not outside.
— YES, BUT IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN TAKE TO START TAKING MEDICATION, FOR EXAMPLE.
— In case of problems with sexual life pills is not the best solution. Very often this is what my clients start with: please give me a pill. One client did not notice that his problem is manifested only in those days when his wife is ovulating. They tried to have a child, but he was afraid of fatherhood, and in response to this there were problems with erection.
— HOW DO YOU WORK WITH THESE MEN?
— I suggest you learn to communicate with yourself.
— EASY TO SAY.
— And it’s not hard to learn. You just have to watch. Something going on? Think about yourself now. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great way to learn different techniques that allow you to look inside yourself, into your thoughts and feelings.
— THUS, YOU NEED TO GIVE YOURSELF MORE ATTENTION, BUT TO ALLOW HIM TO EXPRESS FEELINGS.
— A man is raised to act like an automaton, but neither of us is a machine. Sex is not a sequence of actions to be performed: her orgasm, my orgasm, turned over on the other side, period. Having sex as the passage of certain check points is like eating by the hour: you are focused on the fact that you have only half a minute for a meal, and not on the taste. In addition, in such a short time the brain does not have time to understand that you ate something, so the food will need more, and up to 40 %. It’s the same with sex: if you have fast sex, you need it much more. Therefore, many men after sex with a partner run to the computer to emotionally “catch up” with pornography.
— THAT IS WE PROMOTE SLOW SEX.
— Sexologists have been promoting it since the 70s. Of course, then there was no such term. The reality was different. For example, pornography was neither so accessible nor so widespread. There were fewer factors that negatively affect sexuality. And today? Why try in the bedroom, if you can secretly watch a movie or broadcast from the camera? One of my patients spends several hours in the toilet every night — sitting with a smartphone and masturbating while his partner sleeps.
Who knows, maybe soon we will find ourselves in a situation where it will be necessary to promote human, real sex.
— THIS GUY, WHO AT NIGHT SITS IN THE TOILET, YOU CAN SAY, CONDUCTING SOME KIND OF RITUAL — FEEDS HIS DEITY MASTURBATION.
— In society incredibly strongly mistaken belief, that the only erogenous zone in men — penis, and his stimulation enough for sexual life.
— THE ONLY EROGENOUS ZONE, A LONE ISLAND IN THE OCEAN, A SEPARATE BEING. THE SEX IS ONE THING, BUT THE REST OF THE BODY AND EMOTIONS IS ANOTHER.
— Hence, different, sometimes frightening, stories are taken. One of my patients, convinced that Masturbation is harmful and sinful, punished his penis for it, watering it with hot water. Because as long as there’s a burn, you can’t touch the penis.
— AS WRITTEN IN THE GOSPEL OF MATTHEW: “IF THY RIGHT EYE OFFEND THEE, PLUCK IT OUT AND CAST IT FROM YOU”.
— And if the cause of sin member, water it with boiling water or RUB with garlic. I’m not kidding. Another patient of mine did so and damaged the mucous membrane, so that he did not want to touch himself “there”.
TO TOUCH YOURSELF “THERE”, TO TOUCH MY “JOHNSON”. OR “BOB”. ALL THESE DEFINITIONS ARE VERY REMARKABLE.
— I’m often in the office faced with military metaphors. The barrel, a spear, a machete, harpoon, peak.
— SOME SAY “MY LITTLE”. IT’S HUMILIATING. THE GENITALS SEEM TO BE THE ONLY BODY WHO GIVE SOME NICKNAMES. HARDLY ANYONE WILL CALL THE ARMPIT WANDA AND ELBOW ZENO.
Women about his crotch saying “my Elenka”, “my squishy”, “my pussy”. One of my clients says about the vagina “my Yoni”; [2] I think this is a beautiful Indian description. Interestingly, only men use vulgarisms in the description of the penis: “fuck”, “Elda»…
DO THEY?
— Most of all — the force of habit. Since childhood in the yard they are accustomed so to speak. It is in primary and secondary school guys talk a lot about genitals, draw everywhere members: on desks, blackboard, walls. At the same time, they remember that a real man talks about the genitals in a masculine, vulgar way.
Peers taught them the vocabulary of anatomy and sex, men grow up, and the words do not change. In my office, clients often speak the same language.
— THIS VOCABULARY IN THE COMING YEARS IS UNLIKELY TO CHANGE.
— Do you know what else is affected by the separation of men from their members? When clients come to me with a problem, they are frightened, do not understand what is happening. They can’t even describe the problem. I understand that when a person has health problems, he is stressed. But for the effectiveness of therapy to overcome fears. Doctors can examine our sick organs, but in the case of a therapist, a sexologist, the problems must be spoken out. It happens that a man comes and squeezes out of himself: “I Have problems with an erection.” I ask him when, in what circumstances, and so on. And he in the answer again: “I Have problems with erection!”. That’s all he can say.
— HE GATHERED STRENGTH, BLURTED OUT, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. ON THEIR OWN, WITHOUT HIM.
That won’t work. To achieve results, we must work together. Some “bring” their penis to me as if they had brought the dog to the vet. “Here you are. Treat him, and I’ll wait in the corridor.” Or, “it’s twenty-two hours — and that’s hour x,” the client says. “What kind of x hours?”I specify. “When we’re doing something.” That’s all. Some more meaningful wink.
— THE WORD “COHABITATION” IS SO TERRIBLY ASEXUAL. BUT “SEX” IS MORE ASSOCIATED WITH COMPLETING APPLICATIONS FOR FUNDING THAN ROMANTIC MOMENTS SPENT TOGETHER. IN GENERAL, I AM NOT SURPRISED SUCH MEN. BUT YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE.
— There is a myth that “these things” just do, but do not talk about them. Not just in therapy, but in relationships. The position of many men is this: she (or he) will think that I am some kind of weak, since I need to discuss my sexuality, to explain something. Many perceive such talk as recognition in defeat.
— BUT IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DISCUSS IT, SHE’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE, IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.
— Yeah! What would my partner think of me, what would my father say? Some even interfere with this story of the employer: “He will now decide that I am a bad worker, since I have problems with an erection.”
— OBVIOUS CONNECTION. ONLY IT WORKS, PERHAPS ONLY FOR PORN.
— The employer doesn’t really care if you get an erection every 20 days or every 20 hours. Really, unless it’s a porn Director. Or if you’re not an escort Agency employee.
And by the way, “you get an erection.” Exactly, boy: you either have it or you don’t. You, and not some separate being called “penis”. You’re on the same side. It’s a lifelong Union.
— SO SEW MEN PENIS?
— GO.