— WHAT PROBLEMS MEN COME TO THE SEXOLOGIST?
— In the first place I would call fear of action. It comes from an increasingly pervasive approach to life as an endless exam in which you constantly need to score a certain number of points. In second place — the dependence on porn and Masturbation.
The third is equally two problems: violations of libido and erection. Then there is premature or early ejaculation or even its absence, as well as emotional problems.
— WHAT?
— Most often they are due to the fact that the client is not able to build a long-term, safe relationship, or is in a relationship, but can not resolve a conflict with a partner or partner. A separate group of clients — men who do not have sex, being in a relationship.
— THAT IS NOT ONE-OFF EVENTS?
— This phenomenon is becoming more widespread and has become a sign of our time. According to research, this problem affects every third man in a relationship.
Finally, there are those (and there are many of them) who come to me because they have sex outside of marriage, are homosexual or bisexual, or masturbate.
THEIR REMORSE BECAUSE OF RELIGION?
— Religion and culture. Using the word “culture”, however, I mean the culture built on the Foundation of religion. “I masturbate, that is, I am a sinner, because wasting cum like Onan”. Another thing is that the biblical Onan, in fact, practiced coitus interruptus.
— “HE SPILLED HIS SEED ON THE GROUND” TO THE WIFE OF HIS DECEASED BROTHER DIDN’T GET PREGNANT. AND THE LORD DIDN’T LIKE IT.
— Regardless of the problem that comes to me, many of my clients doubt their masculinity. What kind of man am I? Do I live up to modern notions of masculinity?
— WHAT ARE THESE IDEAS?
— For example, the idea of hybrid masculinity: I am a tough, absolute male with deep emotional competence and impressionability.
The idea of a man who takes care of himself and at the same time looks naturally unkempt. This is a set of absolutely impossible features, as my friend sexologist Robert kowalchik says.
— HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE TYPICAL MODERN MAN?
— A typical man of our time comes to my office sleepy, tired, under stress, with a lack of testosterone and an excess of prolactin (a hormone that increases due to stress). And if it is a man with a lack of testosterone, he usually lowered libido, erection problems and generally low level of vitality. If prolactin is elevated, and testosterone levels are normal, it will also be reflected in sex, and in addition, expressed in headache, depression, neurosis.
IT LOOKS LIKE WE LIVE IN A PRETTY GLOOMY TIME.
— At the Polish and international conferences of doctors-sexologists recently often say that sex is a luxury. Therefore, more and more people use stimulants, engaged in the so-called “chemical sex”. This leads to increased risks of disease and threat to life. Many people are confident in their omnipotence. I had a boxer client. Four hours of sleep, two meals a day, seven in the morning and nine at night. During the day he took drugs to not be sleepy and to function at all. Lived so few years.
— IS HE STILL ALIVE?
— Still alive. He’s not thirty, and he’s already had one heart attack. He came to me with erection problems and a question, could I prescribe something for him.
— I MEAN, TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM WITH ERECTION?
— Yeah, he wanted some medicine to make him stand again. He’s so incredibly effective, dynamic, organized, but in sex something does not work recently. He thought it was some kind of genetic problem. He was very sure of himself, and I saw before me a man over the precipice, one leg over the edge. I told him the cure wouldn’t make him happy.
— WHAT WILL YOU DO?
— I suggested that he change his lifestyle to something very different from what he was used to. But it means working on yourself. So I never saw him again.
— WHY STRAIN IF YOU CAN TAKE A PILL AND EVERYTHING.
— Such patients come to me very often. Mostly employees of large corporations, owners of startups that plow without prodyhu. But it’s not just white-collar and businessmen working so hard. People sit in the office for 10-12 hours. Their professional competence is not fully defined, they need to take responsibility for themselves and for others. Under the pressure of stress, all muscles tense up, even the muscles of the stomach, so they are not able to eat normally. Lunch is stuck somewhere in a tight esophagus, from which then it is reflux, ulcers, etc. The economy is robbing us, destroying the foundations on which our sexuality is based.
— HOW DOES THIS ACTIVITY AFFECT SEX?
— Imagine a man leaving the office after these 10-12 hours of work. He is incredibly hungry, his whole body is tense from working at the table, he is angry after all the problems and stress he has been struggling with all day. He would like to somehow compensate, best of all dynamic sex, but the penis refuses to cooperate with him.
WHY?
— In order for the blood to flow to the penis, you need a relaxed and warm body, not tense and cold. It’s the iron core of sexology. Sex does not work — the person is even more nervous. After all, the partner will think that she does not excite him, and he — as men usually do — closes in himself and struggles with a string of different thoughts.
OR COMES HOME FIRST WHERE YOU HAVE A LOT TO DISCUSS, AND THEN IT’S TIME TO SLEEP. THERE IS NO SEX, AND THEN WHAT?
— Such people very often have sex during working hours.
— DURING OPERATION THE PENIS AGREE TO COOPERATE?
— There’s an attractive colleague in the office. She has a nice perfume, she always smiles, confident, well-dressed, with hair, makeup. She had no complaints about him, like the ones he didn’t call the plumber again, didn’t take care of the kids. They start flirting. It turns out that she has a relationship with sex is also a problem. Comes time contact. What happens?
NOTHING?
— Why? They have great sex, because they are close to about ten hours a day: look at each other, smile, excite each other, a connection is born between them. In other words, they do all the things that need to be done to work sexuality and what they have no time for in their own relationships. Many of my clients say that a beautiful looking lover at work always wins against the background of a tired wife at home in the evening.
— MAYBE IN THIS CASE THEY SHOULD WITHDRAW FROM EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS AND CREATE NEW ONES?
— If they always worked together, it might help. But when one of them changes jobs, it ends the same way. They won’t have time for sex again. Another thing is that regardless of the circumstances, entering into a new relationship, they could feel deceived, once in a private environment, without all this office environment.
— THIS LINE OF “VISUAL” IS VERY REMARKABLE: A COLLEAGUE IN THE OFFICE ARE ALWAYS NEATLY DRESSED, WHILE THE PARTNER AT HOME, OF COURSE, DRESSES FREELY.
— My client has been in a relationship for three years and is cheating on her partner with a colleague. The situation is similar to the one I described, only here is added the nuance that you said: it often emphasizes the difference between a lover, a top Manager, and a partner who walks in sneakers and a t-shirt with Mario.
ALMOST THE SAME STORY SHOWN IN THE MOVIE “CAMPER”. THE GUY WAS CHILL, PLAYED BY PETER ZHURAVSKY IS JEALOUS HIS GIRLFRIEND (MARCH, NENADKEVICH) STAR CHEF (JACEK BRACIAK). THE CULMINATION OF HIS ACTIONS BECOMES LONELY DANCE TO THE SONG “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME”.
— This is a good example to our topic. And it’s not that she bought his expensive suit and car. Although she and her partner live together, see each other rarely. And with that guy — at meetings, presentations, in the hallway, at lunch. Finally, a quick sex in the car or a few nights together on a business trip.
— WHILE THE SECOND SITS AT HOME AND PLAYS GAMES.
— A decent gamer sits at home and gambles while that man plows: flowers, an expensive restaurant, exciting correspondence in messengers. In such a situation, the old relationship has no chance, because they do not have any strong Foundation.
— FROM WHAT YOU SAY, I CAN DRAW ONE CONCLUSION: WE NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE BETWEEN WORK AND RELATIONSHIPS.
Not really. I have a client who works for a big consulting firm. She says the sex is boiling. To the extent that she herself, who considered herself to be completely monogamous, had an affair with a married man. It year goes to me for therapy, and I would have never thought she was anything solved.
— AS A JOB CAN CHANGE A PERSON!
— When I communicate with employees of corporations (and such clients at me more and more), I learn that they in life have no other States, except work. When I ask about Hobbies, they often have nothing to answer. They don’t relax because they think it’s a waste of time. Others try to do something, but do not feel joy. They don’t feel anything, as if their nervous system has atrophied. And it adds to their stress. The body is in tension all the time, they do not have the opportunity to relax.
SECOND, BUT IN THE GYMS (OF COURSE, TALKING ABOUT THE EXPENSIVE FITNESS CENTERS) MORE THAN HALF OF OUR CLIENTS ARE EMPLOYEES OF CORPORATIONS.
— Gym, crossfit, cross-country running, paintball — they choose such sports because they transfer the working condition to rest. The course of thought they have this: “On vacation, too, you need to be effective, bold, punchy, I have to be focused, show restraint and courage.” Maybe they have a sense of release, but for the body it is no rest. You can not live all the time in one mode. It is as if we, being birds, waved only one wing. If you only live in one state, the other will still sneak through the back door. Such people say that they work, everything seems to be in order, but over time they increasingly feel that they lose concentration, become scattered.
— THE BODY SAYS, NOT LETTING ME RELAX? MYSELF.
And some give up. Recognize problems in sex. It takes a few, sometimes a dozen meetings before they realize that you can not make a marathon starve. Because their philosophy is: the marathon runner runs badly — he is guilty, it is necessary faster. You can do it! Do it! A farmer from Australia won the marathon without training, because he did not know his limitations, so you can win, push your boundaries!
— “OBSTACLES ARE ONLY IN YOUR HEAD!”IT’S LIKE LISTENING TO A COACH.
— When I hear that, I get mad. They are constantly hammered that more, they listen to it and do not take into account that the body and the head have their own boundaries. And when suddenly the body says “stop,” they’re looking for guilt… In themselves. They believe that they did a bad job, that they are some kind of defective.
Therefore, often resort to chemical sex, that is, different drugs, doping, to somehow feel sexy. And this leads to problems with the heart, nervous, digestive, endocrine systems… this story has no end, or rather, it can be very sad.
The two main foundations of masculinity, and therefore self-esteem, for us men — sex life and professional life. They are closely connected and constantly interact with each other. Does not work in sex, but at work appreciated, the pay is good, increase. At least it helps to feel masculine. And if at the same time we feel support, for example, understanding of the partner, the problem can be solved itself, without participation of the sexologist.
DRUGS, PORNOGRAPHY IS THE DARK SIDE OF MODERN SEXUALITY.
— Pornography strongly affects not only sexual behavior, but also personality. People become more and more selfish, they learn to satisfy only their needs. Plus cybersex, different applications for meetings, often high-risk contacts from the Internet without condoms.
— ALL THIS AFFECTS THE OBJECTIFICATION OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT EVEN PEOPLE, BUT SIMPLY WINDOWS INTO THE APPLICATION AT ANY TIME THIS CAN BE DISABLED TO BLOCK.
— You used to know that if you wanted to have sex with someone, you had to at least make a connection, create an atmosphere of security or sympathy. First there was a sense of security, then a sexual experience. Now you can get sexual experience without creating any relationship. It’s enough that you go to the erotic portal, which is connected to the webcam, pay, and here you have a sexual relationship with someone you first see. And this man is already naked, already wants to masturbate with you.
— SEXUAL FAST FOOD.
— If you want more than that, you don’t have to go on twenty dates, just pick up someone from Tinder. Or enter the chat — and after ten minutes you can prepare for free sex without obligation.
— AND NO PROBLEMS.
— No problem? There is a problem. We humans need not only sex, but a sense of security. It is formed during dates. When we skip this stage, we throw ourselves into the abyss and immediately drown, cramped. Drowning because of problems with erection, premature ejaculation, lack of orgasm and so on.
— ALSO, GOING BACK TO THESE PEOPLE-THE WINDOWS APPLICATIONS THAT ARE SO EASY TO BLOCK. IT WORKS IN BOTH DIRECTIONS…
— When you jump from flower to flower, without being involved in the process, perceive the partner or partner as an object, another profile in the application, you think that everything is in order. But once you meet someone you want to build a relationship with, when you get involved in the process, and that person stops responding to you after the first night, you feel used. When we get into this situation, we suddenly remember that every person is a person, and we think, “Damn, this is very unworthy behavior.” Besides, you never know exactly when you’re going to feel involved. You can turn on at the most unexpected moment.
AND THIS IS THE MOMENT WHEN A MAN DECIDES TO GO TO THE SEXOLOGIST FOR HELP?
— We, men, are brought up so that we have to solve the problems. We are raised to fight, study location and destruction — that is, of independence, of autonomy, of independence.
— I WOULDN’T OVERDO THE NURTURING OF INDEPENDENCE. BUT I AGREE WITH THE OPPOSITION.
— I speak in stereotypes. Similarly, according to them, women are brought up more for cooperation, empathy.
— WELL, THAT WILL MAKE SUCH A FIGHTER WHEN HIS DICK REFUSES TO COOPERATE, AND PRIDE AND HONOR WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO GO TO A SPECIALIST?
— When a man has problems — in sex or in life — the primitive mechanism of “fight or run”turns on. Most often, with the difficulties of life we have triggered the installation “fight”. But, surprisingly, if the problems relate to sex, most sound the signal “run”. This is confirmed by studies: only 8 % of men with sexual problems come to a sexologist. The rest, i.e. 92 %, try to use any their ways, which, alas, often lead to large problems!
— CERTAINLY, THERE ARE THOSE WHO EXPECT THAT ALL SELF-WILL?
— That everything will pass itself or that the partner or the partner will forget about sex. Dr. dariusH Skovronsky, who works as a sexologist in Japan, told us at a conference in December 2017 that 46% of couples there do not live a sexual life at all!
— RUNNING AWAY FROM PROBLEMS?
— Exactly. When there is a problem with sex, men run away from it or downplay, get involved in work, external sexuality. For example, watching pornography. Many take suspicious, unfortunately, readily available drugs, supplements. I would like to stress that in Poland they earn good money by selling fake viagra.
APPARENTLY, IT IS A PROFITABLE BUSINESS.
— You look like you’re in water! Men naively believe that with one pill they will return to sexual activity, which they destroyed for years. They decide on such things thanks to advertising. They do not consult with anyone, men in General are very lonely in their sexual problems. They can’t go to a friend and say, “Dude, I’m having erection problems, what should I do?”They are afraid that they will be laughed at.
Male friendship is most often supported by rivalry — Yes, I say stereotypes again. But these stereotypes sit in our heads, they seem to help us save energy, replacing deep analysis, suggest how to live, and thus bring a lot of problems.
— OUR SHAME IS CULTURAL OR INNATE?
— Our culture directly tells us: a man should be firm. He does not cry, solves all problems, copes with everything. And his a member of — as Soviet tank, will pass through wood, the river, field and house. It’ll go all the way to Berlin. So we pretend that there is no problem. As a result, such scenes are born in my office:
— YOU KNOW ANDREW, I HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY NEVER EVEN HEARD OF.
— Yeah? That’s interesting. Please tell me.
— I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THE ERECTION.
Curtain.
— IT MUST HAVE A STRONG IMPACT ON SELF-ESTEEM.
The loneliness of the modern man leads to the fact that many (or even most of them!) are sure that only they have premature ejaculation, low sexual desire or erectile dysfunction. That is, they are broken, they do not meet the requirements of masculinity. And they are alone in the world. Alone as finger.
IN THE END, THESE 8% COME TO THE SEXOLOGIST. IN YOUR CASE, TO THE MAN. THEY ARE NOT AFRAID OF MALE COMPETITION?
— Many are afraid, so the first few, sometimes even ten, meetings — is the removal of the covers, behind which hides their real “I”. Much also depends on what the relationship was with the mother and father.
WHY?
— The sons of domineering fathers, who often criticized them, the sooner you go to the sexologist-the woman. They will be afraid that the man will ridicule them, criticize. Or come, but with another problem. With something not so shameful, not connected with sex, but, for example, with the fact that they react with aggression to life’s disappointments. Or that you read my article somewhere, heard about me on the radio, read our previous book — and would like to clarify some points.
— A SORT OF GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK.
— Customer arrives. Says that he has a bad mood, he was sad, scared, something. And only somewhere in the end he mentions that he has problems with an erection, as if it does not matter at all.
— TRIFLE.
— There are no real and fake problems. Erectile dysfunction is not a disaster, just as depression is not a disaster. But, above all, in any of these situations do not be ashamed.
I often hear from clients: “I thought you would throw me out of the office at the first session, that you will laugh at me. That I as a man am nobody and I just need to pull myself together.”
“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER”. GOLD TIP MEN. GO BACK TO YOUR CLIENT, WHO CAME OSTENSIBLY ONLY WITH DEPRESSION. YOU CAN CHOOSE A PROBLEM THAT YOU WILL SOLVE IN THERAPY? AFTER ALL, IT’S CONNECTED.
— It all depends on what is the priority in this situation. You can make a list of priorities from one to ten. For example: “I am starting a new relationship and I want everything to be good emotionally — this is the first point. But also to have good sex. So sex for me — the second point. At the same time, I was fired from my job six months ago, and I can’t get over it. So my depression is the next point.”
— AND WHAT IF IT WILL ONLY WORK ON DEPRESSION?
— We’ll work on depression, but he might start to break up. For example, because under the influence of the pattern of relations with parents, which form the basis of all our relations, he took out of the house the fear of intimacy. And he needs to work on it first. Hiding such problems is an incomplete use of therapy.
— WHO ARE THESE MEN WHO COME TO THERAPY? THAT 8 %?
— Usually it is not some particularly brave or open people. Generally, people go a long way to get into these 8 %. Very often a sexologist, a specialist for them — the last straw. Because they bought some supplements on the Internet and sex shops, tried sex on the side, including for money, ran away to pornography, Masturbation — and buried themselves in a blank wall. Not all, but most of them. And that’s when they come to me.
— THERAPIST OR SEXOLOGIST FOR MANY A DESPERATE STEP, NOT FIRST AID.
— Unfortunately, Yes. The shame associated with our sexuality is also projected on the relationship with doctors. According to studies, 80 % of patients do not tell doctors about problems with sex at first contact. But we have to tell them everything about health problems. No, men are waiting: maybe the doctor himself will ask…
— MY DOCTOR NEVER ABOUT THINGS NOT ASKED.
— And when asked about it therapists, it turned out that more than 60 % of them believe that the patient himself should say about it. The patient waits for the doctor to ask, and the doctor waits for the patient to say.
— A GROTESQUE SITUATION.
— As in the joke: “A woman comes to the doctor, and the doctor is also a woman.” At the same time, problems with erection have been surpassing other health problems for ten years, for example, cardiology, respiratory diseases, diabetes, thyroid problems and so on. Ten years is very valuable information for a therapist, but many doctors do not ask about the sexual life of the patient: they are afraid that he will be embarrassed.
— WITH WHOM MEN TALK HONESTLY ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS?
— No one. Sexuality is associated with such shame, fear and uncertainty that men do not even share with their partners that they feel some kind of problem. They don’t say, “Man, you know, I don’t think I can do it today,” because they’re afraid the partner will decide right away that he’s no good for anything. As if their personality or relationship is determined only by sex. But as a rule, sex is one of several, even many beautiful elements of the relationship, not the only one!
THEY DO NOT SAY ANYTHING AND SACRIFICE MYSELF POORLY UNDERSTOOD PROBLEM.
— Just so. When I hear” You are the first person in my life with whom I talk about my sexual problems”, I know that to a large extent our psychotherapy will be based on the fight against toxic shame that paralyzes the client’s sexuality. Believe me, I always hear something “first”, and often these are typical problems that you need to tell your partner, wife, friend.
— WHAT, FOR EXAMPLE?
— What is associated with the fear of aging, childbirth, wedding, fear of death, a sense of unattractiveness, the inability to find a relationship that suits you, the fear of change. After all, we all periodically experience such fears. My clients, you, me and the President of Poland. No need to wait, that life will push us to the wall, and then have to force myself to go to a specialist. Prevention is more important than cure.
— DESPITE EVERYTHING, I BELIEVE IN MEN, I’M SURE THERE ARE THOSE WHO COME TO YOU IN GOOD FAITH.
— Certainly. For example, those who start a new relationship and do not want to disappoint your partner, but already noticed a problem with sex. Or those single people who do not want to go on a “sexual pension”, which, in General, is correct. We are pensioners only for the Pension Fund.
— AND THOSE WHO COME, YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THERAPY?
— Sometimes funny things happen. One day a man came to me who suspected that his partner was cheating on him. “You will work something out with her, and I will come every five sessions, you will give me a report on what is happening in her life. I’ll pay well.”
— SEEN TOO MANY SPY MOVIES.
— Another man wanted to come with his partner, and expected me to support him in the dispute. “I want you to show her that I am unique, smart, the best match for her, that she will not meet this again. She underestimates me.”
Once parents with the seventeen-year-old son came.
— RESPONSIBLE PARENTS, BRAVO!
— These are just not good. “Our son claims to be gay.” “So what’s the problem? I ask. “You know what young people are like, what nonsense they sometimes say. It’s probably in the theater circle someone convinced him.” They wanted me to get my son back on track, and they were very surprised when I told them that sexology has long considered homosexuality the norm. They thought sexual orientation was a matter of choice.
— “TODAY IS A VEGAN, A HOMOSEXUAL TOMORROW”.
— Or as it was with women driving in Saudi Arabia until 2018: “Today a woman is driving, and tomorrow a prostitute.”
— THAT IS YOU HAVE NO SUPERPOSABLE AS ANATOLY KASHPIROVSKY [3] TO CONVINCE SOMEONE THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
— First of all, it’s unethical. And secondly, you can not convince anyone of anything against his will! I asked that father how he thought I could turn him into a gay man, using all my knowledge of sexology and psychotherapy. The man indignantly replied that it was impossible. That’s all, sailed.
— HOW OFTEN COME TO THERAPY COUPLES?
— Usually men come with a partner if they have low libido and if they have not had sex for several months or even years. They come because it makes a woman feel not enough feminine, attractive. Or it seemed to her that he had an affair. Or she read my article. It happens very often: for example, after the publication in the journal between Wysokie Obcasy Extra article “What is sex” to me it’s more than ten new pairs. Kristina Romanovskaya and I wrote about people who choose sports for sublimation of sexual life.
“WHAT, AGAIN GO TO THE GYM?»
She reads the article and asks:
— Genek, when was the last time we had sex?
— A few weeks ago.
— No. A few months ago. How many times did you go to the gym this week?
— Five.
And he adds that as soon as he passes the bike marathon, they will have the best sex in life.
— SO IN FACT THERE IS MUCH TO ENJOY! WE HAVE FORMED A TEAM OF OLYMPIC RESERVE!
— Not funny.
AND THERE ARE PROBLEMS THAT ONLY COME INDIVIDUALLY?
— Like premature ejaculation. Usually the partner or partner does not even know that the person is being treated.
— IT IS BETTER TO COME TO A SEX THERAPIST ALONE OR IN PAIRS?
— Depends on the cause of the problem. If this is typical partnership problems, those that happen from relationships, it is necessary to discuss them together. But if the situation is connected with the same predatory economy, because he works 10-12 hours, sleeps a little, somehow eats, and he has no time for anything, he needs individual therapy.
— JUST NEED TO FIND TIME FOR A VISIT.
Very often a man, closed in front of the woman is open to the therapist. First he needs to talk, complain. He will not do this in front of a woman, will try to save face, trying on different masks. So first I give the person a chance to talk, and then we start therapy.
— THAT IS, IT IS BEST TO COME ALONE, AND SEXOLOGIST WILL TELL YOU WHETHER TO CONNECT THE PARTNER.
— Yes, that’s how I work. The treatment should fit the client, sit on it like a well-chosen suit. We never treat anyone the same way. Therefore, psychotherapy of sexual disorders, which is carried out with the help of a computer program, is the idea of a very distant future. In addition, the therapy should have a specific purpose. When a patient comes to me and says, “you Know, I would like to work on something, but I don’t know what, but I would like my life to change and I would like to be happy,” we first need to decide what happiness is for him.
— THE WORK ITSELF IS, BY DEFINITION, SOURCES OF HAPPINESS CAN HAVE A THERAPEUTIC FUNCTION.
— Men often think that not only a partner, but also a sexologist or psychotherapist should read their thoughts. Unfortunately, I haven’t studied at the school of witchcraft and wizardry Hogwarts, and this force does not possess. Our goal must be measurable, real.
— MINUTE. THE NEED TO BE HAPPY CAN NOT BE A GOAL OF THERAPY? IT’S A SPECIFIC GOAL!
Not at all. For me it is information that someone has an internal conflict that sits deep in the subconscious. This conflict is like a Loch ness monster we don’t see. We need to pump the water out of the lake and see how there Nessie stomping on the bottom.
IS THERE ANY WAY TO PREPARE FOR THE FIRST VISIT?
— This is a very important question. With clients who are sent to me by a partner, or who come impulsively, it is usually the case: a man comes, and we look at each other, look, look… Because he does not really understand why he came. If I ask him, he feels like I’m attacking him. A man once took offense at me for asking him questions about his sex life.
AND WHAT QUESTIONS WAS HE WAITING?
— I told him, “If you went to the dentist and the dentist asked you about sex, it would be a strange situation. But if you come to a sexologist, there is a high probability that you will talk about sex.” He says, “Well, Yes, but right in the first sessions to talk about sex?”. Of course, I try to take into account the sense of shame and impressionability of customers.
I would divide the clients into two main groups. Those who come under the compulsion of a partner or partner feel as if they have been summoned to the Board. They are surprised that the sexologist talk about eroticism, fantasies, how the penis functions and so on. I work with them on motivation: why did they come, what can they lose? Then they begin to talk about the reasons for which I got.
— AND THE SECOND GROUP?
— These are people who have long been struggling with some problem, feel that they are powerless, and therefore come to my office. Such patients usually understand very well what they want to work on.
Now, returning to the question of how to prepare for a visit to a sexologist, we need to decide what we want to say and what our goals are — not only therapy, but also a specific meeting. In other words, what I would like to achieve in this therapy and in today’s session. You can even write it down on a piece of paper. This helps in conversation with the therapist, including the therapist.
YES, THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY.
— Those patients who come because of erection problems can remember how this problem manifested itself throughout their lives. When did she arrive? Does all of this to stable? You need to remember your past emotional and sexual relationships, analyze them. All this is the material for our work.
— WHICH IS NOT LIMITED TO ONE VISIT.
— Many people think that one visit is enough. But don’t kid yourself. No sexologist or therapist is a magician. I explain that therapy takes time, it is not the result of my unwillingness to do faster. There is no Elevator that will bring us to success, you need to patiently walk up the stairs.
We take small steps to change. Evolution, not revolution, because revolution often eats its children. This is a joint work with a personal trainer. I help to find experience, motivation, support, but the main work comes from the patient: taking care of their health, sleep, conditions, regular and proper nutrition, activity… We change when we come to something, develop some mechanisms. I do not promise anyone that his life will change on its own, it would be unethical and even more unrealistic. In psychotherapy, you’re usually given a fishing rod, not a fish. In addition, there are specific studies of neurogenesis in the brain, which show that psychotherapy changes the architecture of neural connections!
It is a process of learning and learning. Themselves, its sexuality, partner, partner: we will know their anew.
— WHY THE BAIT BETTER FISH?
— Take the little bear. He looks at his mother as she hunts, collects berries, honey. Later, when he grows up, he will be able to provide himself with food and survival. And if he does not watch his mother, but only waits for her to bring him everything, and suddenly something happens to her (for example, she will be shot by Minister Shishko [4]), he will die, because he can not do anything. And so I do not solve problems for the client, do not suggest ready-made solutions.
— BUT TO SOME IT COULD REALLY MAKE LIFE EASIER.
— The client often comes to the therapist as a parent: “Dad, I broke, fix it.” And we are working to build a parent within the client, so that he learns different ways how to be a good therapist for himself. The therapy ends successfully when the client creates a therapist within himself.
— EXACTLY. FROM THE BEGINNING YOU KNOW THAT IT WILL EVER END.
— I do not make the client dependent on me, as a fortune teller: come to me, otherwise you will not know what awaits you. I help clients develop maturity and responsibility for their choices. We make a fishing rod, and the client will catch a fat tuna himself. Then he will be proud for a long time.