— WE TALKED ABOUT THE FACT THAT ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION COMES WITH AGE. BUT MORE OFTEN THE PLOT OF MOVIES, TV SERIES, BOOKS ARE ERECTION PROBLEMS AT FIRST CONTACT.
- Erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Of course, this can happen in such circumstances, because the teenager or young person at this time is very excited and excited at the same time. Very often problems with an erection happen when the partner is very dear to the man, for example, it is a new relationship. This is our favorite problem thinking: “I have to be the best at sex so that she wants to be with me”, ” with our sex today, I have to knock out the memories of all previous partners.”
— LET US TAKE IT FOR GRANTED THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
— Certainly. At the same time, each change in the facial expressions of the partner will have a meaning for them, they can then remember it all their lives. Some will silently carry this secret to the end of days.
“I SUPPOSE IT ADDS TO THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS FOR BOTH SIDES.”
- Yes, the partner can also react differently to such a situation. If he took it too seriously, he might cry. And he had to reassure her. Only after a while can he return to his emotions. At the same time, he will not tell his friends about it, neither will his parents or brothers. The man is left alone with these thoughts. And since at the same time he has a high level of testosterone and he wants to test himself, after a while he will try with another partner.
“THE PROBLEM MAY COME BACK.”
— At any age, after an accidental erectile dysfunction, an unsuccessful first time may appear before the eyes. This could be the beginning of a disaster. A man like that comes to me and says, ” What am I going to do? The past will not return”. Of course, the past can not be returned, but it can be understood — and take care of the future. To refuse for a month from sex, from penetration and to spend time in a bed behind kisses, caress, oral sex. So that you have an easy, free, safe attitude to sexuality. That the man saw that when he kisses, caresses the partner, the erection appears.
“THEN WHAT ABOUT MASTURBATION?”
- You can masturbate with a partner, but it is better to focus on sex in a relationship.
The phase of caresses should expand, their dynamics should increase, after a while a man will be able to touch a member of the vagina. The next stage is penetration between the woman’s thighs.SO ENGAGED IN SEX IN ABSENT! HANNIBAL’S AT THE GATE!
Then you can move on to the so-called gynecological pose. The woman lies face up, booty on the edge of the bed, legs bent at the knees, feet resting on the floor. The man kneels between her legs-then his cock is about level with her genitals. He puts his penis on her genitals, clitoris, labia. Hands caressing her Breasts, face, pussy. You need to be focused on how to give her pleasure, the member will rise, and the excitement will increase. Finally, once again, you can enter a woman’s penis, slowly move it, get acquainted with the vagina. You can try the option on the table. She lies on her back on the table, her feet resting on the backs of two chairs. He stands between her thighs, stimulating her as described above. These regular workouts bring great results. But you need patience, I often face negativity from customers: “what am I paying for? Must act immediately!»
THESE ARE EXPRESS TIMES, EVERYTHING SHOULD BE FAST, EVERYTHING SHOULD BE A LOT.
— Yeah. I answer:
— Well, if you need, go to the urologist, you will be prescribed pills for potency and you will immediately get the effect.
— I use them, and they don’t work.
“I wonder why.” What do you think?
“I don’t know.
It turns out that his fear of not coping is so high that no pill will help. It is better to spend a month, maybe a little more, but to get a lasting effect.
— WHAT ELSE CAN AFFECT EPISODIC ERECTION PROBLEMS?
— The position of a passive observer. When a man leaves the body during sex…
— BUT NOT IN THE SENSE OF GIVING ALL HE CAN AND MORE.
— No. He kind of stands next to me and looks at himself appraisingly. Am I good? The partner is happy? I don’t have too big a belly, too small a dick? So it happens with many men, but for successful sex you need a participant, not an observer.
“WE DON’T LET OBSERVERS INTO BED.”
“Another reason is absent-mindedness. “Shit, the kid behind the wall is asleep, hears us, wakes up, comes running.” Or: “I have to buy a loaf in the morning!”. Or, ” Oh, no, we need to finish the report!”. This is especially common in women, but their distraction in sex can affect a man’s erection. A man — as we have already said on the topic of contraception – is easily distracted even by the search for condoms. He wants to have sex like a bomber, which, starting, flies straight to the target, and if there is not enough fuel, refuels on the fly. Do not forget also that putting on a condom is not a show of bartenders: one hand threw, the other caught, once, threw again, the condom lay on a huge hard cock. At this point, it is better to do freeze-frame, and to continue to caress, to go back to foreplay.
— WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO HAVE PROBLEMS WITH ERECTION DID NOT SUDDENLY APPEARED, AND WAS FOR A LONG TIME? EVEN WHEN MASTURBATING?
- Erectile dysfunction is divided into primary and secondary. If someone has always had them, that is, since adolescence, from the first contacts, and even during sex, and during Masturbation — the problem is complex. Most likely, the patient has problems with cardiology, endocrinology or blood vessels, a violation of the structure of the penis or cryptorchidism. Then you need to see a urologist and / or endocrinologist and / or cardiologist.
— WHY SO MANY SPECIALISTS?
— Because problems in sex are interdisciplinary, several problems can overlap, different areas of medicine can intersect. To make this clearer to readers, I have compiled a chart that I was inspired by the figure of a psychiatrist and sex therapist Michal Lev-of Starovice.
LOOKING AT THE DIAGRAM, I UNDERSTAND THAT THE TOPIC IS REALLY COMPLICATED.
— Very. It’s all about primary violations. And the secondary-these “suddenly” that appear at some point-this is what we talked about earlier.
Another division of erection disorders is the division into global and situational.
“LET’S TALK ABOUT THEM, TOO.
- Global violations can occur in any situation: with a partner, during Masturbation. And the second, as the name implies, depends on the situation: for example, only at home, only with his wife, only in a certain position, on vacation, with another partner, behind.
— THESE SITUATIONS, POSITIONS JUST DO NOT EXCITE A PARTICULAR MAN?
“It’s different. It is important to look not only at the circumstances, but also at the specific moment in which the problem occurred. In some, an erection does not appear at all in the process of”trying”. In others, it subsides when it comes time to move on to penetration, in others – during penetration.
— WHAT DO THESE THREE SITUATIONS MEAN?
— In the first case, it is safe to say that the problem lies deep. They are frozen from the start, as if they are ordered to be calm and control ejaculation. Such people may have a fear of intimacy or lack of control. They keep their distance so that their partner does not absorb them. At the same time, they can all be fine in one-night sex, when they are sure that this sex will not develop into a relationship, or when sex is just casual.
There are rare cases when one-night stands develops into a relationship friends with benefits.
— THOSE PEOPLE WHO KEEP THEIR DISTANCE?” PROBABLY NOT FOR LONG.
— The very type of relationship friends with benefits for the people we are talking about, with a sin in half will fit, but if suddenly the word “relationship” hangs in the age, God forbid, the partner will say it aloud — the person who is prone to experience fear, immediately disappear.
Because for sex we need a sense of security, and such a person feels safe when there is no intimacy. It’s the opposite. Very often this is caused by difficulties in relations with parents. Especially when this person grew up in a dysfunctional family, and the presence and proximity of another person was associated with unpredictability, pain, suffering.
— NO WONDER SUCH PEOPLE AVOID INTIMACY.
“Yes, they say’ intimacy is suffering.’ One of the causes of erectile dysfunction is not with preliminary caresses, but when it comes to penetration, is the Corot syndrome, that is, the fear that the penis will be absorbed by its own body or the vagina of the partner. We’ve talked about this before.
“A VAGINA THAT ABSORBS THE PENIS?” YES, REMEMBERED, VAGINA DENTATA, TOOTHY VAGINA.
“And that, by the way, is a common fear. Not that there are teeth in the vagina, but about what is hidden in it. It affects the imagination like caves, nights, dungeons, cellars. And if it is a dark cave, you need to put a torch in it, which does not go out, so that it illuminates it.
— NOW UNDERSTAND. THEREFORE, THE MEMBER MUST ALWAYS BE IN A STATE OF ERECTION. NO ERECTION — NO LIGHTS IS A DISASTER.
— The cause of violations at this stage is (again our demon) emotional fear, the main monster of many modern men. According to research, it is regularly experienced by up to 60 % of men: “Oh, I used to have an erection, but now I just can not cope, now it will begin.”
— WHY SHOULD IT START NOW?”
— Because he competes during sex: with himself, with all his contacts with this woman and other women, with her former partners. He sees every sex as an exam, a test of courage. In fact, it cuts itself off from arousal, desire, causes erection problems, premature ejaculation, pain during sexual intercourse, decreased libido.
Often these are people who were loved in childhood not for what they are, but for what they do.
“WHAT DID YOU GET? FOUR? WHY NOT A FIVER, YOU IDIOT?»
— And if it’s a fiver, it’s, ‘ who else got it? What, that loser, too? So it was too easy. Nothing to brag about.” Such a boy grows up with the feeling that he should have everything on the six. Maybe then he would finally get the praise he wanted.
— AND MAYBE HE’LL GET WHAT HIS THREE-YEAR-OLD FRIEND GETS.”
- Parents of such people are usually people who have not everything in life turned out, and they shift a lot of ambitions and expectations to their children. Often such parents have a narcissistic personality or they are perfectionists.
“‘I GIVE YOU MY BANNER, MY SON,’ SAYS THE FATHER.
— And this son, feeling great responsibility, tries to meet expectations, to fulfill the plan by 300 %. And this inner father is always standing over him, including during sex. He asks, ” did you have a good erection?”Not really.” “And the sex was long?”Well, not really.” “It’s bad. You’re a loser. Are you the strong sperm that won the race to the egg? Not believe. It must be some stupid joke.” They have these internal conversations with their parent all the time.
— THERE SHOULD BE A NO-PARENT SIGN ON THE BEDROOM DOOR.”
— Great idea. Even just for yourself is worth it to print.
Returning to the topic of impotence. It is not only those who think rationally who lose their erections when they begin to penetrate; it is also the case with too impressionable men. Their subconscious inner monologue develops as follows: “I do not want to hurt a woman, because once my partner was hurt during sex.” Or: “She told me to treat her delicately because she has no lubrication, vaginal dryness. Maybe it’s better that I just don’t have an erection.” So often happens in men with a big dick. They approach a woman like a sapper approaches a bomb that can explode no matter what is done to it.
— WHAT ABOUT THE LOSS OF AN ERECTION DURING INTIMACY?”
— It very often happens at those men who all the time read body language of the partner. And when they think that something has changed in her behavior, for example, she looked at the ceiling, they immediately interpret it in their own way. “She looked at the ceiling, so she doesn’t like it.” And it could be something involuntary! And he is immediately less involved in sex, more focused on his thoughts, the analysis of the behavior of his partner, closes in on himself. The partner sees that he somewhere runs away thoughts, takes it to heart: “Well, Yes, he does not like me any more”.
“SO THEY BOTH SEE THEIR SAD STORIES.” THEY WIND THEMSELVES UP INSTEAD OF TALKING.
- And suddenly he loses his erection because he thought she didn’t like sex with him. And she sees proof that she no longer excites him. Squaring the circle.
The same goes for people who are predatory about their body. They get what they work for.
— ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SLEEPLESS AND MALNOURISHED?”
“You could say that.” Many men have high standards, they function in life like soldiers. A lot of work, little sleep. We’ve talked about this before. This is reflected in erection problems in both the second and third phases.
Many people nowadays do not notice that they are harming themselves by way of life. They are used to little sleep, stress, used to be sure that they need to overcome all the problems that they will meet on the way. They are like camels: to survive, not to show weakness, to cope, to move on.
The body sends them signals that something is wrong, but they either ignore them or misinterpret them.
“CAN YOU GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE?”
— A client of mine who runs his own business had a stomach ache and a spine ache, fell asleep at the wheel a few times, and once there was a serious accident.
Now he has some big scars on his body. But after that, no red lights came on in his head. He slept for four hours and thought he had to cope. The last time he was on vacation was 16 years ago. Already 13 years have him huge problems in sex.
He came in with erectile dysfunction and zero sex drive as something that surprised him a lot. He was not yet forty. I told him it wasn’t just age that mattered, it was lifestyle.
“DID HE BELIEVE YOU?”
“Of course I didn’t. If I believed it, he would have had to change my lifestyle and he prefers to shift the responsibility for his life on a sex therapist. These clients are usually very angry, because they come with a serious problem, and I RUB them about the dream.
BAD THERAPIST. WE’VE TALKED ABOUT IT, BUT MAYBE WE’LL SAY IT AGAIN: REM SLEEP PRODUCES TESTOSTERONE. YOU CAN’T GO FAR WITHOUT TESTOSTERONE.
“The REM phase is a brain SPA. It should be appreciated. People expect to hear from a therapist something mind-blowing, an absolute sexological confession that will cure them in one session.
“DROP THE STICK AND GO,” JESUS SAID. IT SEEMS THAT MANY PEOPLE EXPECT SUCH WORDS FROM A THERAPIST.
“Good point.” But they hear in response: “the Reason for your problems in sex is prosaic: lack of sleep, fatigue…”. First there is surprise, then disappointment, and only then do they realize that they need to change their lifestyle. This means that you can no longer delegate responsibility for the result of treatment to someone else, you need to go to success yourself. When I’m in their shoes, I know it. When I go to different specialists, I expect quick and comfortable solutions. And most often I hear that prevention is more important than treatment. Prevention, that is, awareness of how individual organs of our body act, what affects them well, and what we harm them.
— WHAT’S TO BE DONE ABOUT IT?”
“Remember the Eight — eight — eight rule: eight hours of sleep, eight hours of work, eight hours of rest.
I don’t remember a single man coming to me during my 11 years of practice who said, “you Know, I work hard, I don’t get enough sleep, I don’t eat well. Apparently, from this and problems with erection.”
— HE WOULD BE RIGHT!
— Yes, there are those that from the very beginning of therapy talk about fatigue. But they’re not honest with me because they hide other reasons behind it: an affair, an addiction to pornography, drugs.
Many couples try to have sex after 22-23 hours, when both partners are as tired as possible. She finally got her head free, she would have something else to do, but from his side she does not see the desire, and sex they do not work. And it does not work, because at this moment he has a minimum level of testosterone. Maximum, what he wants-vanilla sex, gentle, not sexual destruction of his partner, which could last up to an hour.
— WHAT DO YOU ADVISE SUCH COUPLES?
— I suggest we either have sex in the morning or in the afternoon, but after a quiet hour.”
A separate, increasingly large group — people with excess weight, which also negatively affects sexuality. But they absolutely do not see this dependence, although, believe me, this weight can not be overlooked.
“MAYBE BECAUSE THEIR ATTENTION IS FOCUSED ON ONE POINT.
— Sometimes there are scenes where he gets angry because he doesn’t have an erection. She sees that he is angry, begins to think why. He sees that he has no erection. She thinks it’s because of her if he’s mad. “I’ve done something wrong, and I’m fat and ugly.” Then he notices that she is angry. He thinks, ” She’s mad at me because I’m a loser, I failed.” And most of her thoughts at this moment are actually about herself.
“THE TRAGICOMEDY IS READY.
“Everyone holds on to their fears instead of sharing them. And, unfortunately, they only grow, cease to be a Comedy.
Interestingly, you can give a lot more reasons why a man does not have an erection than those for which it is. If you are interested, analyze the chart again.
“YES, IT’S IMPORTANT.
Returning to the third phase: it is characterized by situations in which a man does not perceive feedback from his partner. Not necessarily only negative. I had several couples in therapy who had a child sleeping with them in the same room or behind the wall. And she kept telling her husband to be quiet about sex.
AND AFTER ALL IN SEX IT IS NECESSARY TO RELEASE ITSELF.
“To let go, to scream, to moan, even to curse-especially at the moment of orgasm. Holding back, you can earn neurosis.
— BUT IT TURNS SOME PEOPLE ON THAT SOMEONE CAN HEAR THEM OR SEE THEM.” SEX IN PUBLIC PLACES, ALL THAT.
“It turns some people on, but it’s a source of trouble for most people.” My client has a mistress at work. He’s the Director, she’s the assistant. They have sex in the closet in his office. No one looks in there, but at any moment someone might come in and hear them. He thinks about it all the time, asks the girl to be quiet, she agrees, because she also does not want to be caught with the chief. But the problem is that his partner in a permanent relationship is very expressive. And he’s programmed to do it. So now with a young mistress, he has problems with an erection, and with his wife-no.
“OH, MY. BUT IT DOES NOT HAPPEN THAT SOMEONE HAS PROBLEMS WITH AN ERECTION BEGIN ONLY DURING PENETRATION, AND OTHERS IMMEDIATELY BEFORE?
— One of my clients had a hard month at work, he hardly rested. At the same time, he did not slow down in bed, because his new partner motivated him to have sex. Often she waited for him when he came home from work, still in his jacket and shoes. She waited for him to pounce on her like a tiger. But because of his fatigue, he only had an erection for the first two phases-foreplay and the beginning of penetration-then the erection disappeared. However, he did not give himself the right to say to his partner: “look, I have to rest, let’s try in two or three hours,” and desperately fought. This led to the fact that at first the lack of erection shifted to the second phase, then to the first.
IT WAS A DEFENSIVE STRUGGLE.
“Yes! When someone does not want to give up the fight, but, no matter what, rushing to the finish line, his problem will only deepen. This is a classic example of driving a horse to death or wiping out a car engine for lack of oil. In addition, the more different problems, fears, phobias increase, the more problems in sex become. If someone had erection problems only during penetration, in a month the problems will be up to her. If this is not treated, after a while erection problems will be during foreplay and even during Masturbation. Problems, if fed, tend to grow.
“FEED” PROBLEMS. I GUESS MOST OF YOUR CLIENTS DO IT UNWITTINGLY.
— Yes, if they were aware of it, they would solve their sexual problems faster and more effectively.
I have had a client who has driven himself to the point where he feels fear when he sees an attractive woman. Because he immediately played in his head the scenario that it came to a date, and he has no erection and it’s over.
— I LIKE HER AND I WANT HER AND I DON’T HAVE AN ERECTION.”
- The right of occasional erection problems is one of the sexual rights. This must be remembered. When such a situation happens, you need to tell yourself and your partner or partner: “it Happens. All men sometimes have problems with erection. It’s natural.”
— YOU NEED TO WRITE IT ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND CARRY IT IN YOUR WALLET.
— Good idea. If you didn’t get enough sleep last night, you won’t have an erection in the morning. When you meet a very attractive partner who is important to you, there can also be an erection problem. When you sleep, you have an erection, but you come tired from work, do not expect that you will be in the Olympic state. Don’t even count on League two. Are you afraid of Contracting venereal disease or becoming a father? Do you have a sensitive head or a bridle? You think your penis is too small? This can easily lead to erection problems. Also remember that you are acting on a certain scenario in which all your experiences, traumas, beliefs, including what was laid by the family, are contained. They affect your sex.
— HOW DO YOU WORK WITH SOMEONE WHO COMES FORWARD ABOUT ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?”
— Like I said, I’m working on CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. It is based on the development of the plan, its implementation and conclusions. We work on the basis of experiments. The month of the experiment, a test, a new month. And so until we get the result. For example, one of my clients met a woman. He liked her very much, but unfortunately his sexuality was not the best. At first he thought he needed to work on his body, and he was overweight. He began to walk intensively on crossfit, but overdo it with training, felt tired. After returning home, he didn’t want sex at all. In the end, he went to a therapist, that is, to me. We started with a lifestyle change experiment, for a month.
END OF TRAINING AND KFC SEASON TICKET?
— Well, not the same! Sport as far as possible. Limit the number of working hours. This is a common problem among modern men: they think that their value, courage says the number of hours they have sat at work, what success they have achieved. And in the meantime, not only success defines you as a person, but also relationships with people, friendship, experience, talents, a good heart. My client had no friends.
— HOW WAS HIS THERAPY GOING?”
— We worked for two years and got visible (literally) results. He lost weight, got pumped, changed his habits, kept his relationship going. And since relationships are often a system of two interrelated elements, the partner has also changed.
At first, she took her lack of erection personally, thought she was unattractive. But she realized it had nothing to do with her appearance.
— IT IS VERY EASY TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE LACK OF ERECTION IN A PARTNER: “I DO NOT EXCITE HIM, OR SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME.”
— In fact, most often it means that each of the partners in their own way involved in problems in bed. Not in a negative way, of course. It’s about a problem, more like a riddle, that needs to be solved. It is most effective to do this with a professional psychotherapist or sexologist.
— A FRIEND OF MINE CARRIES A BLUE PILL IN HIS WALLET-BECAUSE ONCE (LITERALLY ONCE), HE GOT INTO A SITUATION THAT HE DID NOT HAVE AN ERECTION.
— As a psychotherapist, I see this as a clear statement: “I am not completely confident in myself as a man. I redirected this confidence from myself to an external object. It has the form of a pill that is always with me.”
Usually, when a man comes to me with erection problems, it comes with low self-esteem and a sense of sexual failure. Some are absolutely sure that nothing can be done, in fact, quietly think that I will confirm them this diagnosis.
THERAPIST AS NAIL IN THE COFFIN? INTERESTING.
“These men give up. My master of psychotherapy, from whom I studied therapeutic work, Professor Andrzej Kokoschka, spoke important words at such a moment. The most common reason to come to therapy is to break down, lose heart. Customers give up. And it is about taking a moment to rest, and then again take responsibility for problems in sex and / or seek help.
— EASY TO SAY.
— You have to say it to keep it in your head.”
Few men treat occasional erection problems as something natural. Sexuality gives us different surprises, and we need to accept it for what it is. There’s no point butting heads with the bull of reality. And many men perceive erectile dysfunction as a basis for assessing themselves as a whole. They do not take into account the fact that, for example, on a particular day at 20.34 they had a bad moment — they draw conclusions: “I have always been a loser,” “I am not good for anything.”
SEXUAL ABILITY FOR MEN-THE MAIN INDICATOR OF COURAGE.
— And this is a mistaken idea, because if our personality and, accordingly, the meaning of men’s lives on earth depended on it, we could easily be replaced by vibrators.
— IT SOUNDS LIKE AN EXTREME CONSERVATIVE’S NIGHTMARE.”
— The two main factors of masculinity, and therefore self — esteem for men-sexual and professional spheres. Whether we like it or not. These are the bases closely connected among themselves, constantly influencing each other. When one of them wobbles a little, we make it the end of the world and fear in anticipation of the next disaster. For example, someone happened that because of excess alcohol drunk two or three times there were problems with an erection. He doesn’t associate it with alcohol anymore, he’s just afraid it will happen again because he’s defective. He constantly thinks about it, winds himself up, and can really end up with the fact that this installation is realized in itself.
POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME.
“A little, Yes.
Fortunately, there is another basis. In sex, things are not important, but at work you are appreciated, you earn well, perhaps a promotion. It supports masculinity. And when you have problems with the first basis, you will meet the appropriate support and understanding from the partner or partner, the matter will be solved in itself,you will not need to go to the sexologist.
— BUT IT DOESN’T SEEM TO DEPEND ENTIRELY ON THE OTHER MAN.
— You need to get out of sexual autonomy, establish contact with your partner, be open and honest with her. I emphasize once again: it is important to give up male independence and maintain contact with a partner, share thoughts and emotions.
“IT’S IMPORTANT, BUT DIFFICULT.
“No one said it would be easy.” Violation of one of the foundations can affect the state of the second. “I was thrown out of work, I have no Hobbies, I do not know what I’m good at, probably nothing…” Such a man automatically capitulates on the sexual field, because he does not feel like a man at all. And in this time the problem with erection — this the problem with a member of, not with all a man! The penis is part of masculinity, but not the whole of it.
However, it is important to remember this and it is important to be ready for it. I see in my office: men who realize that they have lost automatism feel thrown on the ice. Defenseless. Like a child in a fog. They have a feeling that they are not able to offer anything in sex. And after 25 years, the main importance begins to have our psychosexual skills, lifestyle, which we adhere to, as well as building a sense of security in the relationship.
“Technically” approaching the question: after 35 years, direct stimulation of the penis is just very important. Either alone or through a partner or partner. This is not a contactless wash.
— LET’S DO IT AGAIN SO EVERYONE REMEMBERS.”
— A client comes to me at the age of 40 years, complains: once he started to take off his pants, and he already had an erection. And now they with the partner caress 15-20 minutes — and anything. I ask, ” what happens to your penis at this moment?”He says,’ well, I tell you, nothing. Lies between thighs.” Me: “Do you touch it?”He said: “How, why? He must get up himself.” There is no point in taking offense at a member, just give him a hand.
Most men still think that the penis is like a hunting dog, which as soon as it senses a duck, immediately has to rush at it. This attitude will inevitably end in a crisis, so in offices we suggest that sex is “good enough.” However, my clients misunderstand this. They often think I’m offering them “second-rate” sex. That’s not what I mean. It’s about the fact that during sex to liberate themselves from their own unique naturalness. To love her, to be in touch with yourself and the person next to you.
IT IS INTERESTING THAT IN OUR NARCISSISTIC CULTURE, PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS IN RELEASING SOMETHING UNIQUE FROM THEMSELVES.
— They prefer to do it with the help of chemistry. Very often there are situations that the member raised by chemistry strains, but not because the man is excited by the look of the partner, their relations. And not because the pill will cause an erection in any circumstances. No! Erection only because, that first he “engaged in” its head, and then vessels.
- Yes, men often first watch porn, then take a pill and quickly run to a partner to have sex.
— I TAKE IT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A SITUATION WHERE OUR PARTNER DOESN’T EXCITE US.”
— Partly Yes. The main problem of the modern man is “sexual altruism”. I would like to stress that this is a big change, maybe a revolution that is taking place before our eyes. It is based on the fact that modern men have changed the front and focus most on how to satisfy a partner. And they do not concentrate at all on satisfying themselves. They don’t put incentives in their own sex basket.
When I started 11 years ago, it was different. And diametrically. Many men focused on satisfying themselves in sex, happily lived their sexuality, they wanted sex. Now it is believed that every third man in a permanent relationship avoids sex with a partner. The world is no better. As I said, in Japan for 40 years, 46 % of permanent couples do not live a sexual life.
— In Poland, this “sexual altruism”, which my clients have long perceived as a serfdom, a duty, has a great influence on this. And you just need to find harmony in this, that is, 60% focus on your sexual basket, and 40 % – on your partner. Remembering, of course, that as often as possible her orgasm was the first.
— ALTRUISM DOES SOUND GOOD.”
- Theoretically Yes, but in a man’s head it looks like this: “I do not really want her, because the chemistry is gone in the relationship, but she is with me, she supports me; I also owe her something. I’ll pay you back with sex.” Or, ” I should always bring her to orgasm.” Many men after this “always” so tired that they can not bring themselves to orgasm. And women do not always help a man to do it.
— SO YOU DON’T RECOMMEND SEXUAL ALTRUISM?”
— You can’t go far with that altruism.” We can be altruistic for a week, maybe two months, but in the long run it turns into serfdom.
— NICELY. WE KNOW THAT THE ABSENCE OF AN ERECTION IS AN ABSOLUTELY NATURAL PROCESS. DOES THIS MEAN THE END OF SEX?
“Of course not! “I do not have an erection, I will continue to kiss her, then oral sex-still no erection, then just bring her to orgasm orally.” This is the right direction of thought in sex.
Sex is not only penetration, you can do many other things without it.
— If the situation repeats, you need to think-maybe you need to take care of the caresses of your body, penis stimulation, ask your partner or partner to be more active?
Instead, men often shut down, avoid sex. And women don’t understand. They have terrible thoughts about themselves, that they are unwanted and unloved.
IN THIS SITUATION, YOU NEED THERAPY FOR A COUPLE?
Neutral office space helps to talk about their fears, problems. When couples come to me where he has erection problems, it seems like they’re both from different worlds. She says that in sex she needs intimacy, a sense of security, so that he cares, knows the map of her body — then it is likely that she will have an orgasm with him. And he wants to work as a perpetual motion machine. He doesn’t want to be a part of the system, but sees himself as an oiled, shiny, ready-to-use sex machine. Like an anti-aircraft gun or a bomber. No tenderness, a RAID on Okinawa.
— WE ALREADY SAID THAT THE SOURCE OF SUCH IMAGES IS OFTEN PORNOGRAPHY.
- Pornography and lack of communication.
Most men believe that they know what women expect from them — but this is only a man’s vision. Women don’t want to be “whipped” for six hours. They are not waiting for a huge standing Asian pillar. They don’t need every next sex to be the best sex of their lives.
— THEN WHAT DO WOMEN WANT IN SEX?”
— They wait and crave contact, a sense of security, intimacy, community. Often even games in bed. If a woman could choose between the strength of an erection in a sex robot or a man with erection problems, but gentle, in contact with her, she would choose the second. And men prefer to create some myths about female sexuality.
“THE PENIS IS LIKE A BAYONET, ALWAYS READY TO FIGHT, NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. THE MYTH OF THE POLISH UPRISING IN SEXUALITY.
“Such ambitions cut off men’s sexuality completely.”
It’s the result of raising boys. We are brought up to fight, to fight, to discover new lands, to face difficulties, to take responsibility and so on. And women are brought up to cooperate, to work together, to cool disputes. Therefore, they are easier to “enter” into therapy, in the office they do not have so many masks. Male rivalry and the need to go further destroys cooperation.
Often it is only during psychotherapy that the real cause of our erection problems is revealed. And this happens not in the first session, but in fifteen sessions. Her low libido, his lack of desire for his partner, and so on. “Yeah, that’s why we didn’t have sex!”A woman sometimes only at this moment realizes that it was much better when she did not have sex with a partner. Because, for example, she didn’t have as much desire as he did. She had sex once every two weeks, and he wanted it once every two days. Or she is in the relationship rose to the position of the mother, therefore, it is “castrated”, that is, deprived of erection.
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL BASIS OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION IS NOT VERY “POPULAR”, BUT A VERY INTERESTING TOPIC.
“And extensive. First, fear. It’s rare for a man to admit it to himself. They usually hide it behind anger. And there can be different fears. That he has too little money in his account, that he will be thrown out of work, that his partner will leave and so on. All these are sufficient reasons for the lack of an erection.
— Yes, and secondly, the stress. I have a client who was once a paratrooper in the special forces. He was sent somewhere to the Embassy, which was always under threat of attack. They during the day with a colleague had to peer at the monitors, check: did not come if someone suspicious, does not drive up if the car-trap… at any time someone could throw a grenade, shoot. Ever since he came back, he’s had flashbacks all the time. His mind sank, and then his erection disappeared. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in its purest form.