— SOME MEN HAVE NO PROBLEMS WITH SEX, BUT THERE IS NO ORGASM.
— This often happens in people suffering from depression who take SSRIs, or mood stabilizers. They allow to cut off both peaks of mood, and the lowest points, that is both the most pleasant things, and the most unpleasant. Remains the middle. As a result, penetration, or stimulation of the penis can continue indefinitely, but the man does not finish. Also, at this point, there is a half-erection, not a full one.
— AND ON THIS HALF-ERECTION YOU CAN GO FOR A LONG TIME WITHOUT ORGASM, AS I UNDERSTAND.
— Many men think that “normal” sex should last at least half an hour, and it is better all night.
— “DANCE WITH YOU ALL NIGHT TO SPIN, HOW WAS YOUR YEAR,” WAS SUNG BY ANNA JANTAR.
The duration of contact is from two to eight minutes. From the moment of penetration to ejaculation usually takes about three minutes. My clients, who suffer from depression, constantly cross this border because of the delay in ejaculation, and this is a problem for both partners and them. They have to record it on camera to prove to men with premature ejaculation how boring and tedious long sex can be. Back to the song: they spin like that for a year, sometimes for years.
— IS THERE A TIME LIMIT WHEN YOU CAN TALK ABOUT PREMATURE EJACULATION?
Yes, if the penetration lasts from a few frictions to a minute. That is, if the average duration of intimacy in Poland is about three minutes, ejaculation before a third of this time can be considered premature.
MANIFESTATION OF WHAT CAN BE PREMATURE EJACULATION? WE WERE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT THE YOUNG WAITER SYNDROME.
— The reasons are similar to those we discussed in the analysis of erection problems. Do not forget that premature ejaculation in a new relationship, when sex is episodic or the partner causes us a special excitement, is normal.
And one more thing to remember. One day a man came to me complaining about this problem. But it turned out that he did not know that there is a pre-ejaculate. And what was a lubricant that should help with penetration, he took for sperm. Because of this mistake, he earned a bunch of problems, starting with years of avoiding sex in a permanent relationship. He came to me because his wife threw him out of the house for it. So first you need to clearly understand your physiology. Sperm is usually white, thick, and lubricant-transparent, watery.
— AND WHEN WE KNOW OUR PHYSIOLOGY AND THE SITUATION IN OUR RELATIONSHIP SUBSIDES, THE PROBLEM DISAPPEARS?
Premature ejaculation in a new relationship may occur the first few contacts, in some cases-a few dozen contacts. Therefore, do not forget the iron rule of the sexologist — “the rule of one hundred first contacts” — this is a test package for new relationships. At this time, anything can happen.
“WHEN THE HEAD IS FULL OF FANTASIES”
— You’re a bit disbanded.” Rather, the head is full of the phenylethylamines already mentioned. Men who have faced the problem of premature ejaculation, I would divide into two groups. The first is young people under 25 with sexual automatism. Up to 60 % of them face premature ejaculation, in Latin eiaculatio praecox. If we talk about adult men, this problem affects 30 %.
— SO, IN THE FIRST GROUP, THE SEXUAL AUTOMATISM CAUSED BY INCREASED TESTOSTERONE COLLIDES WITH GREATER AROUSAL?”
-Yes, because of this, young people have premature ejaculation. Another thing is that thanks to a short period of refraction, they can quickly regenerate and continue to have sex. Mother Nature rewards those who have good and fertile sperm.
“YES, SHE THINKS OF ONLY ONE THING.
— Sometimes this problem happens in men over 40, over 50, who are faced with the so-called midlife crisis. This is especially true for those of them who quite early, at a young age, entered into a permanent relationship because of public pressure, for example, “on the fly” or because of problems with housing. Family, children — they do not have time to “sow their wild oats” in youth, at least, so they think they are. This thought comes back to them when their children have grown up. Here men settle scores, leave the wife, get acquainted with the young mistress. Some even with a young lover, and it happens. And this man is not only twice their age, but also very attractive. In this situation, firstly, increases the risk of premature ejaculation for the reasons already described, and secondly, there is a fear of not meeting the task: “is it For someone so young sex with me will be pleasant?”.
“IT’S AS IF A MAN FORGETS THAT THIS GIRL OR THIS BOY IS SEEING HIM FOR SOME REASON, AND NOT NECESSARILY FOR FINANCIAL REASONS.”
Fear is irrational, and it expands the mechanism of premature ejaculation. A handsome, intelligent, athletic man comes to me, I’ve seen him on TV — and as soon as he starts to talk, I hear a frightened young man. “I’m like a lovesick stray dog, and she’s a soooo thoroughbred bitch. If I don’t show myself to her, she’ll leave me and go to some alpha male.” He does not notice that he is an alpha male, and unfairly reduces his masculinity to a sexual function.
THE FEAR OF FAILURE APPEARS IN ALMOST EVERY PROBLEM THAT WE DISCUSSED.
— True. At the international congresses of sexologists, which I love to go, speakers say that this is by far the most common problem in men. It’s such a cult issue of societies with easy access to pornography.
“ANOTHER STONE IN HER GARDEN.”
— Besides, such a man perceives premature ejaculation as something that completely negates his human image. “Maybe my firm is doing great, but I have an attractive wife that I don’t have sex with. What does that say about me as a man? I’m nobody. My subordinates are about to find out that I’m losing.”
— YOU CAN’T LEARN TO RIDE IF YOU DON’T TRY TO GET INTO THE SADDLE RIGHT AFTER YOU’VE FALLEN.”
— It’s the same here. The longer the break, the harder it is.
Some believe that it is necessary to wait just. Definitely not sex! People don’t have sex for a week, two, three, and when they get down to business after that, it repeats itself. Because you can not wait out the problem, you need to adjust to a new situation.
“GET USED TO IT.”
Yes, to adapt is called habituation, habituation. And this can be achieved only in practice, spending a lot of time in bed, not only engaging in penetration, but also kissing, caressing each other, engaging in oral sex.
Remember that while waiting, not only excitement grows, but also stress and fear, because the person thinks, ” what will happen this time?”. Head slips worst-case scenarios. With different violations, the path should lie through the gradual acquisition of a sense of security in the relationship.
I will say again: escapism will not help, it is only the cause of increased fear.
“REPETITION IS THE MOTHER OF LEARNING.
We need constant training. Men say to me in the office: “When I see how attractive she is, that she could have anyone, when I feel how important it is for me to be with her, I immediately begin to fear that I will not cope. I won’t jump it. I can’t stop taking erection pills because impotence is an indelible stain on my pride. I’d rather avoid sex.” And avoidance is the enemy of habituation.
“IS ADDICTION A RISK?”
— Indirectly. It works like this: first I put myself at risk, it’s exposure. The daughter of exposure is habituation: I get used to it. That is, it is the opposite of avoidance. Because when, after a long break, you have sex again, as we said, the mechanism will work the same way, because no work was done, there was only escape.
However, for some premature ejaculation is the perfect solution.
— WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”
— I’m afraid of sex, I don’t know how I’m going to cope, I don’t want her to judge me. Better I’ll do anything for a few seconds, and everything, and then another to fear and fear. Such unconscious thinking.
— IT REMINDS ME OF STORIES FROM THE MEDIA ABOUT THIEVES WHO AFTER BREAKING INTO A CLOSED STORE, ATE THERE, DRANK AND FELL ASLEEP. AND IN THE MORNING THE POLICE FOUND THEM.
— When a man has been starving for weeks or months, he cannot eat a normal, much less a plentiful meal. His stomach won’t hold.
“YOU KEEP SAYING THERAPY TAKES TIME.” MANY GIVE UP, DO NOT STAND?
— Sometimes I get calls from irritated men who would like to get an appointment immediately: he’s ejaculating prematurely and he’s just met a great girl he’s going away with for the weekend tomorrow. I say that it is impossible, so quickly the problem can not be solved. Of course he doesn’t. Says he’ll find another therapist. After a while, some men come back. Eiaculatio praecox are sometimes characterized by such an impulsive nature.
One of my patients ejaculated when he went up to the stairwell where his partner lived. Complicating the situation is the fact that the building had no Elevator, and she lived on the third floor. Walking up the stairs, he was excited and already in the middle of the way finished. It passed only when they began to sleep together more often.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”
— They had sex more than once a fortnight, as they had before. And still when he during Masturbation became represent its.
— WHO DID HE REPRESENT BEFORE?”
— Many men do not want to humiliate their partner by placing her in fantasies during Masturbation. This is caused by different views, including religious ones. Therefore, when it comes to sex, they are so excited that they immediately cum. Just another way they can to the partner not used to it. With high excitation, the dynamics of frictions is high, and this further brings the end closer.
Premature ejaculation also happens in men who live with demanding, critical women. They are always in a slight agitation, in such a neurosis.
“I TAKE IT THEY’RE DEMANDING IN SEX, TOO?”
Sometimes, they directly say that they want sex-immediately! It is very good, but at such giving at the man stress rather prevails.
I had a client with whom we worked for quite a long time on premature ejaculation, but he complained that there was still no result. Finally, we analyzed his sex life step by step. It turned out that every time he started with his partner to penetrate, he chose a pose-a bomb, the one that brings maximum pleasure. Therefore, in the beginning it is better to choose poses that excite you by 10-20 %, and gradually move on.
THAT IS SUCH POSES ARE.
“Depends on what turns you on.” For some, the best position is the one where physical stimulation is strongest. For others-a certain angle of view, for example, when you can see the Breasts or buttocks of the partner. Working with premature ejaculation, it is worth choosing positions from the least to the most exciting.
— HOW LONG DO YOU NEED TO WORK?
“Usually two or three months. Depends on how sensitive a person is and to what. If he cums almost from the sight of his partner, he will have to see her less when he is close — and this period can last a long time. You also need to remember about the rule of “first orgasm”.
With men who are afraid not to cope, we solve psychological problems. They immediately begin to analyze: what does it say about me that I ejaculate too soon? And they start avoiding sex. In cognitive behavioral therapy, we often use such a bulb scheme.
— ORIGINALLY. WHAT LIES BENEATH IT?
— We draw an onion growing in the ground. Feathers are the so-called automatic thoughts that come into our heads at the moment (“I don’t Think I can handle it”). Husk-life principles (“a Real man can have sex twenty-four by seven”). The root of the bulb-the key beliefs, that is, thoughts about yourself (“I’m weak”, “I’m worse than others”, “I can not love”). In the second element — the principles of life — there are many beliefs that are the sources of our behavior. You have to work with them to get to the bottom of it. Touch them up. Otherwise, therapy is meaningless.