MY FRIEND’S BROTHER IS DATING A GIRL FOR A YEAR. WHEN AT THE PARTY, THIS FRIEND PUBLICLY SAID THAT HER BROTHER AND THAT GIRL TOGETHER, SHE RECEIVED FROM THE GIRL A THUMP, “BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT TALKED ABOUT IT YET.”
— For some, it’s a problem to ask a partner or partner about how the other party perceives their relationship. Most often, people with low self-esteem, neurotic, who are afraid of being rejected, have difficulties with this. Because if you have high or even average self-esteem, if you fall in love with someone, you will say so. And if you hear the answer, ” I don’t feel anything for you,” you’ll think, “OK, I’ve misdirected my feelings.”
“JUST LIKE THAT?” I DON’T BELIEVE IT!
“Of course, Yes! Well, maybe you’ll be sad for a week or two, but then you’ll start looking at other people. And sooner or later you’ll forget about it.
But the neurotic person will long and strongly experience this situation, as if no one else will meet. Such a person can be haunted by fears: now everyone will know that the man did not get what he wanted, everyone will laugh at him, point a finger.
SO YOU HAVE TO ASK.
If someone is confident in their feelings, then Yes. Because that’s the only way to get a clear picture of the situation. It is useful to talk about their feelings and in the process to receive relevant information about what is on the heart of both.
I had a client who had been in an “incomprehensible” situation for eight years. His work partner traveled all over Europe, and they only saw each other on weekends or less. Suddenly, eight years later, during a Skype conversation, my client said he thought their relationship was a relationship.
“IS IT POSSIBLE – OR IMPOSSIBLE?”
“Everyone can think and feel what they like, but it was a big surprise to her. In her head, “relationships” is living together, defining rights together — the way her parents did. At the same time, she does not want to follow the model of her parents, but prefers two independent atoms. No “relationship” it does not consider in principle. My client at the time felt like deep. That he feels unloved. And she had remorse, but also anger that someone wanted to destroy her model of the world. After a week, she calmed down and was ready to return to the old form of communication. He came to me depressed. After a few meetings, we realized that in his view, she left him. But nothing has changed! She only made it clear how she felt about his confession.
— “WHEN A MAN IS NOT READY TO GET INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP, WANTS TO BE ALONE — YOU’RE JUST NOT THE ONE HE’S LOOKING FOR” — WRITTEN BY DAVID ZINCHENKO AND TED SPIKER “MEN, LOVE AND SEX: 2148 CANDID QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ABOUT MEN” [25]. THE SAME GOES FOR THOSE WHO SAY, “IT’S MY FAULT.”
‘Yes, that’s right, but in this case she just didn’t want to deepen their relationship, there was no question of her wanting to break up.
“THE MORAL IS THAT SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER NOT TO GO INTO IT IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH?”
To go deeper, but the models of relations are different, and you need to clearly define what it means for you to be in a relationship.
There are people who receive signals from all sides that their relationship with another person is very close, but they put it in their head on the shelves. “No, it’s not a relationship, we just meet sometimes.” That it’s just an affair, friends with benefits or something. Zero emotion. The fear of intimacy is responsible for this.
“BETTER A WHILE WILL PODERIS IN THE DISTANCE?»
“That’s better. Because am I making the right choice? Is this the man I want? I have to make sure again.” Especially if something raises our suspicions, we’ll be everywhere to catch conflicting signals. There is no other option. No one can be cute non-stop, 100% perfect. What if I get involved and then it turns out it was a mistake?
— MY PARENTS ‘ MARRIAGE WAS SUCH A HELL, I DON’T WANT TO REPEAT THEIR MISTAKES.”
— Yes, it is a common fear among people who have not had a model of a loving couple in their home.
And people who grew up in a family with a cold relationship may have a fear that history will repeat itself. Ironically, such a man problems in sex help, so as allow create safe distance. Psychologists call it the ” secondary benefit of the disease.”
SOME DO NOT WANT TO STAY AWAY, BUT LOOKING FOR A SOUL MATE ENDLESSLY.
Everyone has a list of priorities. It contains features that we would like to see in a partner. It is clear that it is impossible to find someone who would meet all the points. Therefore, you need to sort the list from the most to the least important qualities.
It should be remembered that when we are already in a relationship, we have conditional feelings for the partner, since unconditional love can only be in a relationship with parents.
“YOU MEAN’ GOOD AND EVIL ‘ IS NOTHING?”
No, because “evil” is when a partner got into debt, lied, traded drugs, resorted to violence, infected with sexually transmitted diseases, cheated, fell into dependence…
We can talk about good relations when our desires and expectations are fulfilled in them. In another case, we can first discuss our needs, but if something — to break off the relationship.
“SOME PEOPLE THINK THEY SHOULD SACRIFICE THEMSELVES. FOR CHILDREN.
— We need to decide what is really best for the children: eternal quarrels at home or peace.
“IT SEEMS OBVIOUS.
In addition to the benefit of children, people who at any cost try to maintain relationships are guided by beliefs formed in childhood. Men project the image of the mother on the image of the partner.
“HOW?”
Mother love of course, because until about 18 years we depend on her. But we have no reason to treat a partner in a relationship unconditionally. We can give up someone who doesn’t meet our expectations. Therefore, the principles promoted by the Church may be beautiful, but they are not real. Pope Francis, by the way, slightly softens some of the Church’s punishments, for example, with regard to sex before marriage, contraception, abortion, divorce, homosexuality.
HOWEVER, THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS A CLUMSY MACHINE, MANY THINGS CHANGE SLOWLY. AND MAN, THE LAMB OF GOD, CAN BE WRONG.
— At the age of 20-30 years, when we decide on a relationship, a wedding, it may seem to us that everything is fine. But over time we change, partner or partner change. And years later, he or she is no longer suitable for us: lifestyle, Outlook, even physically.
IS TABOO!
“A couple came to see me: he’s depressed after he got kicked out of work. Launched myself recovered. He can not cope with sex, so she fell in love with another guy: slender, punchy, hard-working. That is a pity to look at. So what? She must now sacrifice herself “in good and evil”? He, of course, desperately reminds, that when they married, promised love each other under any circumstances. But I repeat: we cannot expect unconditional love from a partner. Only our parents love us like that. By the way, often those who are in a relationship expects from a partner unconditional love, did not get in childhood, unconditional love from parents. It’s an ironclad rule of psychotherapy.
— WHAT IF SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP GETS BORING?” ROUTINE CREEPS INTO BED.
Routine, and above all-natural reductions desires. At the first stage of any relationship, we are guided by hormones: phenylethylamine, dopamine, serotonin. It’s the mating dance period. But after a while, the brain stops swimming in hormones.
For some it happens in a year, some a few months and some few years later. There is no clear deadline. But there is a rule that the attraction gradually fades.
In addition to hormones, play an important role in the story that we surround partner. From individual events we draw conclusions that we project on everything else. Was she late a few times? Increased tone? Was he drunk? Didn’t take out the garbage? And immediately: “Oh my God, as you has changed/has changed.” And our partner has not changed at all, it’s you disappointed, because he created in his mind an unrealistic image.
NO IDEAL?
— It is very easy for us to think that the partner disappointed us, and it is very difficult to accept that our idea of him did not come true. This must be remembered. Sexologists say, ” your expectations are not my promises.”
— THIS IS ANOTHER REASON TO THINK: TO CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP OR TO STOP IT?
— There are men who refer to what their father would say in this situation. Cook? Prepares. Cleans? Removes. Looks like something? Well, then, we should stay with her. Woman comes down to appearance and function. This is a very szowinistyczne.
Others bet on the intelligence, sense of humor partner. Keep in a relationship, because with such a woman to spend time, and confuse friendship with love. And sexuality is realized in pornography, Masturbation, with others. It is a pity that often the second half does not know about this state of Affairs.
HOWEVER, SEX ON THE SIDE CAN HARDLY BE CALLED A WAY OUT OF THE SITUATION. WOULDN’T IT BE MORE HONEST IN THIS CASE TO END THE RELATIONSHIP?
— It must be clearly understood that there is nothing wrong with parting. It’s the natural order of things, it all comes to an end. It is important to approach it Mature, not to consider parting defeat. If nothing happens, you showed “yellow cards”, but it did not lead to anything — do not waste energy. Yes, we will have to suffer because of this, but sadness is also a natural process, there is no escape from it. But we’re both attractive, smart, each of us will find someone. The world doesn’t end with the end of a relationship. Besides, we’ll still have a chance to find someone more suitable.